Losing Yourself to Find Yourself

I heard this song on FM 100 on a Sunday while driving to or from something and it inspired me to write this blog post.

I had been looking, it's true
I just didn't know I was looking for You
You introduced me to me,
By showing me glimpses of who I could be
Yes, I found You then I found me
Let's stay together, always
You bring out the best in me
I know I'll never be lost again,
Now that I found You
I found You
I found You then I found me
- I Found Me by Hilary Weeks

In the MTC I decided to pick a scripture to be a constant theme and reminder throughout my whole mission. The one I chose was Matthew 10:39:

He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

Looking back now I kind of find this to be ironic because I feel like I definitely lost my life, but not in the way the scripture suggests and not in the way I planned to.

People tend to throw out the "Sunday school answers" when you're going through a trial/difficult time in life. Are you praying? Are you reading your scriptures? Are you going to church? Are you serving others and forgetting about yourself? Are you exercising your faith? Are you really trying? I was a missionary. I prayed more times a day than I can count. I read my scriptures every morning for hours and then shared them with others throughout the day. I went to at least 6 hours of church every week, sometimes more. I left my family, friends, schooling, job, home, comfort zone, ways to communicate (besides E-mail once a week and letters), etc. so that I could share a message with God's children - I think that counts as service and forgetting myself? I had enough faith to leave everything I just mentioned to go live with people I'd never met, in a place I'd never been. I felt like I was trying: I'd get up and go to bed on time, I'd knock on door after door trying to find someone who'd listen, I dedicated time and energy to learning a new language, I quickly learned how to do everything (including ride a bike) in a skirt. And yet... I suffered.

Yes, I was being the best version of myself and living the best life when the worst trial I've ever gone through hit me. I know I'm not the only one who's had that happen. And I've been guilty of asking why, why when I was a representative of Jesus Christ did this happen to me? I'll let Elder Holland answer that one, cause he's only an Apostle....

"Every one of us, in one way or another, great or small, dramatic or incidental, is going to spend a little time in Liberty Jail - spiritually speaking. We will face things we do not want to face for reasons that may not have been our fault. Indeed, we may face difficult circumstances for reasons that were absolutely right and proper, reasons that came because we were trying to keep the commandments of the Lord. But when we promise to follow the Savior, to walk in His footsteps and be His disciples, we are promising to go where that divine path leads us. And the path of salvation has always led one way or another through Gethsemane." - Jeffrey R. Holland

And there it is. I needed to go through Gethsemane. I needed to spend time in Liberty Jail. Why? Because I needed to lose myself to find myself. As good as I like to think the old Ally was, the Hermana Harris who was serving in McAllen, Texas, she wasn't good enough. She needed more understanding, more humility, more submission, more patience, more love, more faith.

Again, looking back I am grateful this experience happened while I was a missionary. I was forced to get the help I didn't know I needed. Heavenly Father placed me with companions and a mission president who would care for me and make sure I got better. I know it would have taken a lot longer to diagnose my illness if I had been anywhere else, which also means it would have taken longer to get better and start healing. I was actually one of the lucky ones. And trust me, I never thought that was something I would say.

Life can be funny. I think Heavenly Father and I are going to have a good laugh about my choice in mission scripture one day. And that is one day I really look forward to.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Nelsy

I met Nelsy at the Munchin' with Moguls dinner. We were seated next to each other and she started sharing a little bit about her kids and infertility experience. I feel like we were meant to sit by each other that night, and that her story is going to bless someone's life. Of course I asked her if she'd be willing to share and so here it is.
Nelsy has been married for 11 years. Her husband, Weston, and she went to the same high school but never knew each other. She pretty much fell in love with him right away, it took him six dates to kiss her! Together they have twin girls, Naomi and June. Her days are filled with lots of laughter and lots of diapers. She had a dream that she had twins six months before she got pregnant with them. Yes, she wanted twins. Yes, her hands are full. Yes, her heart is fuller. No, twins don't run in her family. Yes, she wants more kids.

I still remember the night I saw those first two positive lines. Disbelief, excitement, & pure love rolled over my entire body. My knee caps were even shaking up & down as I stood there glancing back at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror. I was going to be a Mom! We surprised our families with the news early because we couldn't contain our excitement & I even went out & bought some cute baby clothes. A short lived two weeks later, a day before our first Dr. appointment... we lost that baby.

Of course we were devastated. At this point we had already been trying for over a year & a half.  Although it was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever experienced up until that point, I truly felt it to be somewhat of a tender mercy. I had been questioning for so long & I felt this was God's way of telling me that it was indeed possible but, to trust in His timing. Somehow I walked away from that experience more positive & hopeful than ever before. It was like a drew up all this extra strength out of thin air, little did I know all that extra strength was coming to me for a reason. I was going to need to rely on it to get me through the next five years. Yes, FIVE.

In the world of infertility, every journey is different & unique. It's a roller coaster of emotions. Full of ups & downs, uncertainty, frustration, & heartache to name a few. It's not a topic that most people are comfortable with, no matter what side of it you are on. Every situation is unique & everyone handles things in different ways. Like I mentioned earlier, after our first loss, I was blessed with an unexplained strength that really made a difference for me those first couple of years. Although, I was well acquainted with disappointment month after month, somehow my faith stayed strong during that time. But, it wasn't always that way.

As the months turned into years, the harder & harder it became to rely on that feeling to trust in God's timing. Finally, my frustration & heartache hit an all time high shortly after someone close to us announced their surprise pregnancy in the middle of a party. I felt completely blind sided & in that moment it was like a dam broke inside of me. All these feelings I had suppressed for so long came out with a vengeance, torturing every corner of my fragile heart. I had endured a lot of pregnancy announcements up until this point but, this was the most shocking & difficult due to the nature of my relationship with this person. It was the most conflicting feeling I had ever felt. How could I be so happy yet so sad at the same time? That is infertility for you. There is a quote by John Mayer that says: "The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite it's lip & smile and go "No, I'm happy for you."? That's when it's really sad." That's exactly how I felt.

This is the part of my journey that was the hardest & most trying. Shortly after this surprise announcement, I had back surgery & spent a lot of time alone at home recovering & feeling sorry for myself. My relationship with my husband & God suffered. I felt angry. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I even felt unworthy. I began to believe these lies from the adversary. I even recall a couple of intense moments waking up in the middle of the night & hearing the words "You're never going to be a mother"... it was awful, even now writing that makes me feel sick inside. Just as God is real, so is the adversary. Thankfully with time this darkness began to lift. With the help of priesthood blessings from my husband & prayers from those closest to me I started to feel God's love for me again.

I was not always open about my infertility. In many ways I didn't want to burden anyone with worry. I also had feelings of shame & embarrassment which I realize now, was so silly. For a time, I was the master at concealing it, but eventually my silent suffering got the best of me. I didn't realize how therapeutic it would be for me to put it out there. There were days I could literally feel the prayers of my friends & loved ones carrying me through. I wish I would have confided in someone sooner, so much good can come from talking & having a good cry with a friend.

A year & a half after my back surgery we began fertility treatments. This took us a very long time to start. I had so many fears about the procedures, the hormones, the costs... it was overwhelming to say the least. You really do have to be mentally, emotionally, physically, and not to mention financially ready to start. It may have taken us longer than I wanted to get there, but the timing couldn't have been more perfect. I'm so grateful that I had such a patient & understanding husband to comfort & support me through it all.

I would never wish infertility on anyone, but just like any trial or test of our faith we can come out stronger. Through this experience I've gained a deeper understanding of God's love for us. My relationship with my husband grew in ways that brought us closer together. I gained friendships with others I would have otherwise missed. My heart grew bigger than ever & I have more compassion & understanding than before. My gratitude & appreciation for my sweet girls is deeper than ever, they truly are my greatest blessings. The joy I feel when I look at them, is greater than any pain or sorrow I ever felt getting them here. I learned a lot of lessons throughout my infertility journey, but perhaps the biggest one I learned is that God's plans for us are always BETTER than our own. I promise you they are. He knows your heart, he knows your pain. He will never leave you comfortless. If you look for Him, you will find Him.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Kathryn

Kathryn and I served in the same mission (kind of a common theme lately). She and I were never companions, but lived in the same apartment. She was a huge blessing to me in a moment of struggle and need. I didn't even know her that well and she listened and loved. 
Kathryn is currently a 2nd grade teacher in Orem and absolutely loves the littles! When she happens to drag herself away from school, she likes to be in nature, hiking, taking pictures, star gazing, etc, or at the gym learning some mad kickboxing skills! She's the 4th of 5 children and her siblings are her best friends.

I came home from serving a mission in June. I got set up on a blind date in September. We immediately started dating, got engaged in March, and we got married in the Manti temple in May. It was the fairytale story. He was the man of my dreams. He was exactly what I was looking for. He and I were going to make a happy life together and work through difficult situations together and those would bring us closer together. We would raise a family together. We would make traditions together. We would have a friend group. Through our time of being engaged, we established strong communication skills, we set goals, we helped each other become stronger. We were referred to as the “dynamic duo.” Love was on our side. It was us against the world. We were ready to take it on together.

Then something changed. We didn’t have each other’s backs anymore. We didn’t make our relationship a priority. We developed our own dreams, instead of developing dreams together. We set goals, but neither one of us followed through with them. Our priorities changed, and they weren’t changed together. We each had our own priorities and we were unable to compromise.. 

Eventually, our relationship came to a crossroad. A choice had to be made. Neither one of us were happy. We either needed to part ways, or we needed serious intervention. We didn’t feel that trust could ever be healed, and we weren’t sure if the other would put in the work and time to make our relationship healthy again. We didn’t feel like we would ever be completely honest and open with each other. 

So, the difficult decision was made. We parted ways. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I thought the mission was, and would always be, the hardest thing I had to go through. It was only preparing me for what was to come. I married the man of my dreams. I loved him. He was my world. I devoted everything to him. I tried so hard to make things work, but I knew that parting ways was the only way both of us would be truly happy in the end. It was torturous. It physically hurt. There was physical pain- excruciating pain. We made promises to Heavenly Father that we were going to be a family forever, and now, we were breaking that promise. I didn’t know if I would ever find someone who compared to the man I fell in love with. 

I got very angry with God. I was angry that He allowed me to get married to someone He knew I wouldn’t end up with. I was angry that He allowed me to go through so much pain and suffering. I felt like I was always the girl that made the right choices in High School. I studied the scriptures every night. I prayed. I went to early morning seminary and even did assignments over the summer. I did the Personal Progress Program multiple times. I was constantly preparing to serve a mission.I served faithfully and with all my heart and strength. I married in the temple. I did everything right. I followed the commandments the best I could.

I got on social media and saw my friends who didn’t have the same standards as I did, and they were happily married with children. I was angry because I didn’t understand why God would take away a happy marriage and a family from me when I did everything I was supposed to. Why would He give that opportunity to those who I felt didn’t have the same standards. 

I was bitter, cynical. I hated everything and everyone. I had constant anger with me all the time, and no one, not even me, knew when I would explode. Sometimes, it was in my car when I was alone, sometimes it was at my family members who were trying to support me, and sometimes it was in my classroom full of children. 

Eventually, I started to see miracles and tender mercies from Heavenly Father. I was humbled because of all the things He was doing for me to carry me through this trial. I got a renter for our apartment within a couple days. I got a check in the mail that I wasn’t expecting that covered the termination fee, and the debt we had acured together. I had an amazing work family that was so supportive and always willing to help out in any way possible. I had a class full of wonderful, tender, and understanding kids, who gave me hugs all day long. I truly believe that angels in Heaven were working through those kids. I can’t help but believe that Heavenly Father gave me that specific group of kids because He knew they would take care of me. 

I started to see all these little things that let me know Heavenly Father does love me. He is looking out for me even if I am having a hard time. I saw a counselor who told me that she felt Heavenly Father was understanding of those feelings and that He wasn’t going to judge or condemn me for having them. That changed everything. I felt better about being angry, which made it less intense. 

I learned to do things I loved again. I learned to lean on my Savior again. I learned to appreciate Him and that He felt what I feel. I was humbled, immensely, knowing that Heavenly Father loves me even if I was mad at Him, and blamed Him for everything that went wrong. 


I am still working through this change, but I can always see my Savior’s guidance, and I can always tell that I’m not alone, that at times, I am being carried. We can see our Savior’s love if we look for it. We can also see hatred and anger if we look for it. Our emotions reflect what we are focusing on. Thankfully, I was at a point where I had no one else to turn to for help our guidance or a soundboard, than my Heavenly Father. 

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Kenzie

McKenzie and I served in the same mission and I officially met her at our mutual companion's wedding. Her and her husband, Braxton, had their little boy, Trevor, with them. He is so cute! And since then I saw through mutual friends some of her posts about the loss of their little girl, Maely. I started following her on Instagram and knew her story would be a blessing to others.
McKenzie was born in El Salvador and adopted along with her twin brother when they were babies. She loves her Latino roots and learning more about that culture. She graduated from BYU with her Bachelor’s degree in Latin American Studies, and plans to pursue a Master’s degree in Social Work. She loves living in Utah surrounded by family and the mountains. She and her husband Braxton mer while serving missions in south Texas. They have two special kids and a Wheaten Terrier puppy named Neville Longbottom. McKenzie strives to spread awareness for Down Syndrome and infant loss in any way she can, especially through social media. She finds so much joy in being a wife and mom, serving in Young Women’s in her ward, and in all things Harry Potter.

“Keep trying, be believing. Be happy. Don’t get discouraged. Things will work out.”  -Gordon B. Hinckley 

Growing up in the LDS faith, I learned that as long as you do your best to obey God’s commandments, that you would be blessed. I learned this in church lessons, by reading scriptures, and through my mom’s example (my dad passed away when I was a baby and she raised us as a single parent). This was instilled in me at a very young age and always stuck with me.

Several years ago, I was home for the summer from BYU, and going to the Young Single Adults ward. For our ward activity one week, we were going to get to have a small, private little devotional with Elder D. Todd Christofferson. I was really excited because even though he and his wife lived in my home stake, we rarely got to hear from him in person because Apostles are busy! I don’t remember everything he talked about that day, but I’ll always remember one thing he said; he told us that as long as we were doing what’s right, he believed “that you will have the righteous desires of your heart.” I truly took that to heart and remembered it constantly; it was great motivation for me to continue trying to live a Christlike life.

Eventually I got married to an amazing guy! I had served a mission in Texas, and upon returning home, I went on a couple dates and explored some dating opportunities. After a few weeks, I started spending time with an elder I had known from the mission; our friendship quickly progressed into a dating relationship, and we were married a year later. During our sealing, the sealer (who is a family friend) talked about some trials in marriage like infertility, but said he didn’t think that would be one of our struggles. Immediately that statement from Elder Christofferson crossed my mind; having kids was one of my biggest dreams and clearly a righteous desire, and I took this to mean that we’d have no problem in that regard (Phew!). When Braxton and I were first married I always told him that I wanted three things: a puppy, a baby and to go to Disneyland (Please feel free to laugh, I am right now!). A little over a year later, we found out I was pregnant! We even went to Disneyland that same summer- check, check! Life was honestly going exactly the way I had expected and planned it to, and I couldn’t be happier. I was doing what was right and felt that I was indeed receiving those righteous desires of my heart.

Halfway into that pregnancy, we found out our baby could have Down Syndrome. My husband and I were pretty crushed. It wasn’t what we wanted and didn’t see how it was going to work. With a lot of patience, faith and trust, we accepted God’s will. Once our son was born it was ok! We weren’t stressed and knew that he was meant to be ours. Parenting a child with Down Syndrome has its challenges; Trevor is physically and cognitively delayed, which requires a lot of therapy. Braxton and I always felt that if Trevor had a sibling close to his age, it would be the best therapy he could have. We knew a little brother or sister could help his development better than we could! When Trev was almost a year and a half old, we found out I was pregnant again. We were so happy that he was going to be a big brother! Once again, everything was going right.

At my first prenatal appointment, we did a blood test to find out if this baby had any genetic problems like Down Syndrome. When the test came back negative a few weeks later, we were relieved. We were going to get to enjoy pregnancy this time around. We knew we were having a girl (that genetic test tells you the gender of the baby), and of course I went right out and bought cute clothes and started a board on pinterest for baby girl nursery ideas (I was just a little excited). I lived in this state of bliss for a couple more months until we went in for my 20 week scan. The nurse had a hard time seeing much during that ultrasound, so my doctor sent me to a specialist. I went to that appointment alone, not thinking it was going to be a big deal at all… Oh how wrong I was. During that ultrasound, I laid helpless on the table in a dimly lit room as a perinatologist read a huge list of things that were wrong with my little girl. I was in complete shock. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be right! I asked what this meant for my baby’s outlook on life, and the doctor stated that he expected her to be stillborn or die minutes after birth. This is when the tears came. My world came crashing down. Somehow I made it home and called my husband to leave work. My mom and sister were there and I explained what was happening. No one could believe it. Later that night we went to Braxton’s parents’ to talk to this family about our baby. Everyone was distraught. I can easily say that was the very worst day of my life.

One of the things I really struggled with after this news was anger. Anger that so many people were able to have 4, 8 or even 12 kids who were perfectly fine and I couldn’t even have 2. I was so angry that my excitement over being pregnant at the same time as my best friend, sister, and sister-in-law (who were all having girls, too), was taken away. I was so mad that I was figuring out burial and funeral plans instead what outfit my baby would wear home from the hospital. She was never going home with us. I was so mad and heartbroken for Trevor, that he wasn’t going to grow up with his little sister. But most of all, I was angry with God. How could this be what was right for us? I was a good person who had already been through a lot of hard things in life, so why was He adding this on top of it all? Didn’t He see that we were trying to have kids, just like He’s commanded us to? I was supposed to have this righteous desire. It didn’t make sense. I didn’t want to pray. I didn’t want to go to the temple. I just wanted to be away from Heavenly Father.

A week after we received this news, the fall 2016 General Women’s Session of stake conference was being broadcast. I went with my mom to the stake center to listen to the messages. When President Uchtdorf spoke about faith, I was flooded a wave of emotions. His talk was titled “Fourth Floor, Last Door” and was all about faith. I’m sure that talk was helpful to many who heard it that night, but I needed it desperately. In my head I knew all the things he was saying, but my heart needed to be reminded of the truthfulness behind his words.

“Faith means that we trust not only in God’s wisdom but that we trust also in His love. It means trusting that God loves us perfectly, that everything He does—every blessing He gives and every blessing He, for a time, withholds—is for our eternal happiness. With this kind of faith, though we may not understand why certain things happen or why certain prayers go unanswered, we can know that in the end everything will make sense. All things [will] work together for good to them that love God. All will be made right. All will be well.”

The next week some of my dear friends who knew what we were going through, invited Braxton and I to go to conference with them downtown. In that Sunday morning session, I cried and cried as I listened to President Russell M. Nelson’s talk about finding joy, no matter our circumstances (Joy and Spiritual Survival). He stated, “My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives. . . Just as the Savior offers peace that 'passeth all understanding,' He also offers an intensity, depth, and breadth of joy that defy human logic or mortal comprehension. For example, it doesn’t seem possible to feel joy when your child suffers with an incurable illness or when you lose your job or when your spouse betrays you. Yet that is precisely the joy the Savior offers. His joy is constant, assuring us that our 'afflictions shall be but a small moment' and be consecrated to our gain.”  Once again, I knew this was exactly what Braxton and I needed to hear. I was definitely in survival mode, drowning in grief. But Heavenly Father was aware of that, and inspired those talks for not just me, but hundreds of thousands of people all over the world. He was trying to tell me that even though having and raising kids is indeed a righteous desire, He has something else planned; I just needed to hold on a little longer and trust in Him.

After conference, I resolved to try and let my anger go. It didn’t just magically disappear, but I learned how to deal with it better. I knew that my baby girl would NOT want me to use her short life as an excuse to pull away from my Father in Heaven. Satan is so sneaky and will use whatever he can to tug at us little by little until we’re far from our Heavenly Father. I wasn’t going to let that be me. I reread those messages many times in the weeks that followed and can truly say they carried me through some tough days.

A couple months later, the day came when we held our baby for the first, last and only time on this earth. Maely Grace was born at 31 weeks, 16 days before Christmas. She lived for an hour and 6 minutes. In that short period of time, Braxton gave her a name and blessing, Trevor got to interact with her, and we took as many pictures and videos as we could. And just like that Maely was gone; she took her last breath and slipped away without me even realizing it.

The days that followed were some of the most difficult ones I’ve ever experienced. They were filled with an excruciatingly painful physical recovery, planning for and having a memorial service, welcoming a new niece into the family, lots of tears but also an outpouring of love. I cannot begin to express the heartbreak one feels upon seeing their child in a casket, and placing it in the ground. How grateful I am to know that Maely isn’t really in there, and that we’ll get to be together with her again.

Almost a year has passed since that time; Maely’s first birthday is coming up and my emotions are all over the place. I long for and miss her. I’m so proud of her for making the choice to come to earth for such a short time because she knew how important it was to God’s plan of Salvation. I’m grateful that she showed us that now is the time to pursue adoption (something we always wanted to do, but later on in life). I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to say that I’m grateful for this trial, but I AM grateful for what it’s taught me. I’m more patient, understanding and charitable than I was before. I have a *small* glimpse into what it’s like to suffer with depression and anxiety. I know how it feels to truly think you’re alone. At times I’m still angry and more sad than I can bear. But that’s when I really lean on the Savior and rely on His atonement to pick me back up.

As I think back to Elder Christofferson’s words about receiving the righteous desires of our hearts, I still believe them. He didn’t say that they would all happen in this life; He just said we could have them if we did our best to follow the Savior. So that’s what I’ll do! I’ll strive to find joy, trust that it will all work out, and keep faithfully trudging along to my fourth floor, last door; the day I’m reunited with Maely Grace. I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know he wants to grant me what I most desire, and that He will- in His own time and in His own way.

Feature Friday: Kayla

It has been a while since I've posted a Feature Friday, so I posted about my blog in a Facebook group I'm part of and Kayla was willing to share her story. I love her sweet testimony.
Kayla grew up on the east coast in Florida her entire life but when she moved to Utah, she became interested in the concept of blogging. 4 years later, she started her website and knew she always wanted to talk about fashion. Throughout the year, it slowly evolved into more lifestyle topics surrounding her main goal: to help women embrace natural beauty while feeling comfortable in their own skin.

Faith over Fear: How I Live with Anxiety
I never realized how faith was the opposition of fear until a doctor diagnosed me with anxiety last week. I know I am completely new at all of this, but my entire life I knew I was more anxious than most people were, but growing up in the LDS (Mormon) faith, has definitely been an integral part in how I cope with everything. My journey is a lot different from most and I hope to be able to relay my experience on how I live with anxiety.

My Experience 
When I describe my anxiety, the only way I can explain it is that it is paralyzing fear over trivial things. There are times where it is over something huge, but I finally started realizing it when my husband started school. I worked full-time and he was a full-time student with a part-time job. Since I was further away from home, I took our only car and he biked everywhere. When I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE! Knowing the behaviors of most drivers in the area, I was petrified! Every morning when he would kiss me goodbye, I thought that was the last time I would ever see him again because I was terrified a car would hit him. A few months later, I went off my birth control because of other health concerns I was having and it got 1,000 times worse. That is when I knew I had to change.

It all began with the October General Conference session. My husband and I were lucky enough to score some tickets. We went and with a prayer in my heart, I pleaded with God on what I could do to erase these thoughts from my mind. It was not until the next couple of days that I got my answer. During our Family Home Evening, my husband received a strong prompting after we listened to President Russell M. Nelson’s talk that we needed to read the Book of Mormon... by the end of the month! We were only in 1 Nephi (along with most it seems) and I had zero faith that we could do it. I assured him I would try my best, but probably would not make it. My husband said he had faith that we would finish on our desired date. I was not so sure.

I began listening to it every second that I had and over time, I slowly realized that my fear was fading. I started to feel at peace and that was not a feeling I have experienced in a long time. It made me want to listen to be able to tear my mind away from the things of the world. By the end of the month, I already finished and started listening to it for a second time.

I have a huge testimony of the power of the Book of Mormon and the peace it brings into my life. I know the words in it are true and if we are diligent in our study, our faith will destroy our fear. I cannot say it took away my anxiety for good, but it became an aid for me to turn to during my times of despair. For that, I am eternally grateful. 

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Mallory

I met Mallory at the Munchin' with Moguls dinner. We had a kind of Q & A panel there and I asked a question about what you'd say to someone who is the spouse of someone that has a mental illness and she raised her hand and said some things that moved me to tears, one of those being that you need to find someone who can be your safety net. That really resonated with me. She gave me her Instagram info and I sent her a message asking her to write this for the blog. 

Mallory comes from a family of 9 kids and loved growing up in a busy household full of laughter. She went to BYU and majored in English and minored in Anthropology. She's been married to her sweetheart Kory for almost 6 years. They have two beautiful kiddos - their son is almost 4 and their little girl is barely 2. She loves the mountains, a good cup of tea, and a great read. She loves to write and to sew, and has spent all her free time in the the last 5 months working on remodeling her first home. Together, she and Kory run a men's shoe company called Taft.

December will mark 6 years of marriage to my sweetheart, Kory. We met through a field-study to India. We both signed up to spend 4 months in the country researching, and met at a pre-departure class before we left. Meeting Kory sort of felt like being a magnet. The moment he walked into the room everything changed, and it really has never been the same since. I knew within weeks of knowing him that I would marry him.

Like every dating couple, Kory and I spent endless hours talking. We talked about our families, our aspirations, our hopes, our world views, our jobs, our majors, our friends, our favorite movies, our favorite music, our favorite food, our parenting philosophies, our thoughts on religion. Over time, I felt like we knew everything there was to know about each other. Somewhere in the mix of it all, Kory mentioned that he struggled with depression. I hardly even remember it, to be honest, because it was such a non-issue in my mind. I don’t remember my response but I’d imagine my thoughts were somewhere along the lines of  “we love each other so much, I hardly think that will ever be a problem.”

Despite seeing my fair share of loved ones struggle with mental illness, I knew very little about depression. Kory and I, obviously, went on to be married and I hardly gave his depression a passing thought. Over time, I started to notice his depression in subtle ways. Though I was well-intentioned, I really couldn’t grasp the depths of depression. It took years to find a groove. There were a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of misunderstandings on my part. It wasn’t until we had been married for 2 years, and we welcomed our first son into our life, that I began to understand Kory’s struggle. After the birth of our son I slipped into postpartum depression. I was totally blindsided by it, I’d lived my entire life very joyfully and optimistically, and I realized for the first time that depression wasn’t a sadness you could just snap out of.

It was a critical time for us, because while I meant well all along the way, before having our son I often found myself frustrated with Kory’s depression. It made me feel inadequate - I had this underlying belief that if I could just get it all right, Kory wouldn’t be depressed. I planned dates, made dinner, kept the house clean, and managed our lives in a way that I thought would alleviate Kory’s depression. Really, I was trying to have control over a situation that I truly had no power over. Over time I realized nothing I did helped and rather than turn to sympathy for Kory, I turned to frustration. All of that changed, though, when I experienced depression first hand. And while it only lasted the first few months of our son’s life, it was a poignant enough experience that it completely changed how I approached Kory’s depression. It really, in retrospect, was a huge turning point.

From that time on, I decided to approach Kory’s depression with nothing but love. I realized that for the first 2 years of our lives, I had tried to fit our marriage into a box of what I thought marriage should look like. The moment I realized our journey, our marriage, was ours alone, and didn’t have to look like anyone else’s, I felt so much freer. We always had a deep love for each other, but our relationship deepened as I showed more love and understanding and Kory, in turn, felt more confident confiding in me with even his deepest feelings. It became a cycle, where I loved unconditionally, and Kory shared openly. We grew immensely as a couple over the next few years as we navigated mental illness and several other heavy trials. I soon came to realize that marriage is just taking turns carrying each other.

I also realized the importance of being relentless in pursuing health. When Kory didn’t have the energy or the motivation, I made countless calls to doctors and therapists. We went to homeopathic healers, integrative medicine professionals, psychiatrists, chiropractors, family doctors, hormone specialists, concussion specialists, and more. Kory is inherently frugal and had no desire to spend money on his health and it dawned on me one day that we needed to take his depression as seriously  as we would take cancer. If Kory were diagnosed with cancer we would make any financial sacrifice necessary to make sure he’d have the care he needed. I knew in my heart that his depression could be just as deadly, and needed to be treated with as much caution and aggression. So we’ve attacked it aggressively. I read somewhere that there are 10 different factors that contribute to depression, and you have to have at least 3 of them to become clinically depressed. Reading through the list, Kory had 8+, and some of them were in our control, so we set to work making them non-issues. We’ve had a lot of breakthroughs along the way, and there are a lot of reasons to have hope. The brain has so much neuroplasiticity, it really can change and adjust and make new pathways, but it takes active effort. Treating mental illness takes active attention, focused energy, which, I think, is why it consumes so many for so long. While for some it’s as simple as taking a pill, for many its years of focused healing, and it can be exhausting, but I know it can work.  I know the appointments, and the diet changes, and the lifestyle adjustments are all worth it.

While it’s been a long road for Kory (15 years of depression) we’ve had a lot of breakthroughs in the last few years. Kory was diagnosed with MTHFR (you can look it up and read all about it), and discovered he has low testosterone as well. We’ve worked to remedy both of those problems, but it still takes work beyond that. I know that the answers are out there and that, eventually, you meet the person who can help you. Most recently, we met with a psychiatrist who told Kory he thinks OCD is at the root of his depression. “I think you’re all O and no C” he told him, “which is why it would have gone undiagnosed for so long, you don’t have the normal red flags.” We’ve approached it from a hundred angles, and with countless doctors and it feels like we’re finally getting some traction, but it requires so much hope, which isn’t something many depressed people have in abundance, so I’ve really felt the need to carry the hope in our marriage.

That being said, there’s still a lot of fear. Because even though I can feel it, I can feel that we’ll make it, I know there are times Kory doesn’t feel the same. I know there are times when he feels like he has his back to the corner and there are no ways out. The most poignant example I’ve heard to describe depression and suicide was one Kory shared with me - he said depression feels like being in a burning building, and of course you don’t want to jump, but it feels like the options are to jump or be consumed - so people jump. I think anyone’s worst fear is losing their loved ones, and it’s heart wrenching to be in a position where that doesn’t feel far out of reach. I can hardly think about it without sobbing. When I see women who have lost their husbands my breath catches in my chest, because I know that could easily be me, but I can only have faith that it won’t be. The whole experience has been remarkable because I’ve learned that none of us are in control, really. We’re not in charge, but if we spend our lives trying to be, we’ll only be met with misery. You reach a point where you have to surrender to the fact that you’re not in charge, and realize that you can still have joy even if you don’t have control.

Recently I was looking back on our last 6 years of marriage, and it occurred to me that while I still have a lot of hope that Kory will be able to overcome his depression, I wouldn’t take it away from the last 6 years. Kory’s depression has taught me to love more deeply and unconditionally, to see people as they are and accept them as is. It’s taught me to enjoy every good day, even in it’s simplicity. It’s taught me to handle others gently, because I never know the darkness they may be battling. It’s taught me to think before I speak, think before I act, because each of us, really, is more fragile than we realize. I’ve learned to accept my life and my trials and be grateful for them because they teach me in ways I couldn’t otherwise learn. I’m grateful for Kory’s depression because my children have seen, first hand, how to support others through trials, how to be a steady hand and soft shoulder. They’ve seen selflessness as Kory chooses us each and every day, as he chooses to be present with them even as he battles. I’m grateful because I have a marriage I feel so incredibly proud of. A marriage that's a safety net for me, a marriage that is full of true laughter and joy and light, because we’ve also seen tears and hardship. We’ll continue to battle and to grow, and I know in my heart we’ll come out on top. I know because I’ve prayed and prayed and felt that steady hand reassuring me we’ll make it. I know because we’re tough, because we’re determined, because our best days are truly ahead.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Shaleese

Shaleese and I were in the Athletic Training program together at Weber State University. She is smart, driven, funny, beautiful, and has a good head on her shoulders. She was nice to help me when I needed it and a good friend to talk to. I admire her so much. When you're around her you can just sense this strength she has, it's hard to explain but it's tangible, and I think it must be from going through this experience. 

Shaleese Marie White is 24 years old (25 next month). She is a certified/licensed athletic trainer. She currently works for Real Salt Lake and she is finishing her master's degree in health science with an emphasis in athletic training and a minor in sports psychology. She enjoys playing soccer, playing the violin, listening to all types of music, running, anything else outdoors and spending time with the cutest 3-year-old you'll ever meet! She's super outgoing and loves to meet new people. In her free time you will find her... well actually she never has free time so who knows.

Spending Thursday nights studying is never fun, especially as a 15-year-old. It was about 10:00 PM when my dad came in my room as I was banging my head against my biology book. Beginning to laugh, he made me a deal in hopes to motivate me. He told me If I studied for ten more minutes, he would take me to lunch after my test tomorrow. Who doesn’t love leaving school early and getting free food with your best friend?! I went to bed that night anxiously awaiting the exam in which I thought would be the most significant test of my life. Little did I know the Lord had a different test in mind.

Friday morning approached and after I submitted my test I rushed to my seat to text my dad that I was finished. Seconds later a voice echoed over the intercom and said, "Can we have Shaleese White down to the office to check out." I eagerly gathered my things and rushed down the stairs. I was halfway down the last set of stairs and surprisingly saw my aunt standing in the hall instead. I had a strange comforting feeling, almost peaceful and at the same time I instantly knew something was wrong. Her first sentence to me was, "Shaleese we need to go to the hospital, it’s your dad, we need to hurry." I began frantically asking questions and she wouldn’t answer. All she would say is, "we just need to get to the hospital."  It was as if everything turned into slow motion. The car ride, any words said to me, my thoughts, flashbacks of last night, walking into the hospital, seeing my mom sobbing, everything was slow motion. My mom walked over to me and the words “he’s gone” raced through my head. I felt numb. I kept repeating over and over "it’s not true, it’s a bad dream." I went home that day with every emotion, however, anger was the leading one. How could God do this to me, to my family? How could God take my best friend? I do everything I am supposed to. I read, pray, pay tithing, do service, etc. Why am I being punished? This anger developed into hatred. I wanted nothing to do with the church I had just joined almost 5 years prior. Being a convert I thought I had developed a strong testimony, I thought I had faith to overcome mountains. At this moment I felt the Lord turned on me and I felt helpless, and even worse, furious.

Monday morning finally arrived, and I went back to school. I wanted to get away from the sadness that lingered my home. I had seminary second period. I went but left halfway through. I slowly stopped going to church, youth activities, seminary, reading scriptures, and anything related to the gospel. Everyone justified my actions at first. “She just lost her dad, it’s understandable” or “give her a break she is tired of people asking how she is” and my personal favorite “she’s going through a phase, she’ll grow out of it.”  I stopped caring about everything. I went from being a 4.0 student to barely passing. This digression went on through my junior year. I started hanging out with different friends who chose to drink, party, and not care about consequences. I stopped caring about life and my future. I used my seminary period to get a Jamba Juice or lunch, church on Sunday became a 3-hour nap time, attending school was merely a social thing, and I was not on track to graduate, I just didn’t care anymore. I was infested with anger.

Almost the end of my junior year I had a friend bribe me to go to seminary. She said if I went with her she would buy me an aloha pineapple Jamba Juice… my biggest weakness. After 30 minutes of trying to convince me, I caved. That day changed my life.  The lesson was on trials and enduring to the end. Majority of the class was spent reading 2 Nephi 31, but the two verses that hit me like a spiritual train was 2 Nephi 31: 19-20. 

“(19) And now beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this straight and narrow path, I  would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ, with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save. (20) Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfast in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: ye shall have eternal life.”

This started the uphill battle to turning my life back around. I cried the entire day after that. I prayed for the first time in almost 2 years that day. I reflected on that dreadful day when I lost my best friend. I always angrily questioned where the Lord was during the worst day of my life. How could He just sit and watch my world fall apart? After reflecting I realized that He was there the whole time. I thought about how I came down the stairs and saw my aunt, the strange, comforting feeling I instantly felt. The Lord was trying to help me through it before I even knew what was to come. He never left my side. He patiently waited as I spent two years being unhappy, angry, and blaming Him for all the things that went wrong that day and the next two years. I am by no means perfect now. I still make mistakes, I fall asleep reading scriptures, I miss church sometimes, and I forget to pray and many other errors. That is the most significant thing of this gospel, is knowing no matter where you are in life the Lord loves you and will forgive you. He does not put us through trials to merely watch us struggle, or hope we figure it out on our own. We have trials regardless of what we believe in, however, what we believe in can make the trials bearable and conquerable.

Losing a loved one is never easy, no one is ever fully prepared, and no one deserves it. Death is something we will have to deal with in one way or another, but it is a helpless life event. So, when it happens, be mad, be angry, be sad, cry, scream, ask questions, yell, BUT remember to grasp the Lord with everything you have. I know that the Lord loves us and I know this gospel is true. I know that I can return to him and be with my family forever someday. I know that I can do all things through Christ.

Here I am almost nine years later (next week), and I can say it doesn’t get easier, you simply get stronger. I still miss my dad, I still cry sometimes, I still wonder what it would be like if he was still here. However, I don’t have anger towards God anymore, I don’t block out the loving arms of a savior who lives me. I am about to graduate with my master’s degree, working for Real Salt Lake as a certified/ licensed athletic trainer, teaching sunbeams, 24 and still falling asleep at night reading scriptures, and being so grateful for what I’ve experienced and the helping hand I had through it all. Life will hand you situations where you want to throw in the towel and give up; you might even do just that. It’s never too late to turn around. The Lord’s hand is always extended, and in reach, you just have to look up and grab it.