When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Chelsea

Chelsea and I went to high school together, and were in the same Homecoming group one year but that was about the only interaction we had. I am grateful I have gotten to "know" her a little more through social media. She recently posted about her daughter's baby blessing and how the decision to have her blessed was not an easy one. So, surprise, I asked her if she would write about it and I'm grateful she did because her story has its own stigma that needs to be ended.
Chelsea is a full-time videographer, wife, and mother to a 4-month-old baby girl. Both she and her husband quit their full time jobs to start businesses the same month they got married. Goodbye insurance and company benefits. Their most recent project is fixing up an old motor home so they can travel the country (if they can ever finish it, that is). While Chelsea would love to currently be running around the world chasing interesting stories to be filmed, she’s currently working on figuring out motherhood and loving on Ellie every hour of the day.

Last week, I found myself sitting in the back of a room of a stranger’s house listening, tears in my eyes, feeling so confused and hurt. This room had grandparents, husbands, wives, bishops, young women presidents, neighbors, all of whom were there to find relief. This house is home to a monthly support group for “faith challenged” individuals who are still trying to stay connected to, and positively participate in the LDS faith. Whether it’s policies, church doctrine, personal offense, historical problems (or all of the above)… something brought all of these people in a small town home on a Friday night in south SLC to talk, to listen, to find hope. Never in a million years would I have put myself in this home. Never would I have imagined marrying someone who doesn’t identify with the truth claims of the LDS faith.  Never would I have imagined that I would be in a dual-faith marriage… and happy.

So rewind a few years. Nick and I met in a BYU ward my senior year of college (Nick had been graduated several years at that point). He was the life of the party. My first impression of him was walking into a motor home that he co-owned with a few buddies, surrounded by 30+ other students listening to him belt Celine Dion at the top of his lungs as we drove to a neighborhood pool party. And that was just a glimpse. From owning five go-karts to creating one of the biggest ongoing Provo Halloween parties to date (Harry Potter Halloween)… he was a Provo legend. Honestly, he would be SO embarrassed that I am describing him this way, but there’s no other way to put it. He was something else.

It was love at first sight, followed by a trail of anxiety and hesitation (on my part).  We dated for two-and-a-half years before marrying. There were good times. Hard times. And LOTS of indecision. One thing is for certain, we communicated about EVERYTHING. My mom, a therapist, coached me about things to discuss prior to marriage: lifestyle, sexuality, education, religion, childhood, hobbies, love language, goals, etc. I only say this to point out that I assumed there wouldn’t be any monumental surprises following marriage… but boy was I wrong.

We were married in the Bountiful Temple July 18th, 2014 and living the “Mormon dream” if you will. It was only about three to four months into marriage when Nick approached me and said he had some questions he put on his “spiritual shelf” that he’d like to try to find answers to. Of course, I supported him. I’m a believer in seeking truth. Fast forward a few months later, and everything started unraveling, FAST. With an attempt to find answers came more questions. It was all consuming. We were knee deep into podcasts, meeting with BYU professors, church history books and publications. Long story short, we were in wayyy over our heads.

I was serving as Young Women’s President at the time and it was very difficult. I would go to church trying my hardest to help these young girls find a testimony of Jesus Christ and enjoy their experience at church all the while coming home to pick up the pieces of what was left of my husband’s testimony. I was devastated, exhausted, and very discouraged.

However, Nick was 100% transparent and open with me the whole time. We walked through this together (I know not everyone has that same experience). Though we have different needs and beliefs, it was beneficial for me to be so close to him at this time that was rather divisive in nature. Don’t get me wrong, it was DEFINITELY a challenge, and there were times for both of us where we didn’t know if we were going to make it through this alive. But no matter what we strove to be open, communicative, and to understand where the other was coming from.

One misconception I had before this experience was thinking people who left the church were lazy, sinful, or simply not committed. None of those describe Nick. As much as this was devastating to me, it was heartbreaking for him. We’re talking about a man who had dedicated his ENTIRE 31 years of life to learning and preaching the church. We have family home videos of him, just three years of age, giving the first discussion (name tag and all). Nick was the kid who would skip out on high school classes so he could attend seminary lessons from more than one seminary teacher. A boy who heard a John Bytheway talk to not kiss a girl prior to serving a mission and FOLLOWING that counsel. I still can’t believe it. His first kiss was AFTER his mission because he wanted so badly to be the best missionary he could possibly be and to leave any distractions aside. He was an amazing missionary…. the stories I could tell. Throughout my husband’s faith transition, I’ve been told by several people that Nick simply wasn’t dedicated enough… and that’s a lie. He could not have been more orthodox/TBM/100%committed/whatever term you’d like to use. Again, I’m not saying any of this to talk Nick up. I’m saying this to show just how much he lost and mourned through this faith transition. How much I have mourned this new reality we both are living. Neither of us anticipated our current reality.

I didn’t tell a soul for almost a year before I turned to my family because I needed the support. It’s been a lonely journey. After about two years, I decided it was time to talk about it. The only complication was in order to talk about my struggles, I’d have to “out” Nick. He was reluctant. He didn’t want people to act differently around him or treat him like a project. I was scared. I was worried what people would think, and I didn’t want to throw him under the bus. I was also scared that somehow vocalizing it, that our situation would be permanent. That this nightmare of a reality was all a dream and I would wake up soon to the life I thought I’d live. But that’s no way to live. Secrecy only breeds fear and shame.

Once I accepted it was not just his story, but ours to share, it became easier to be more transparent. In being open about this, we discovered that some of our long-time friends were in a very similar situation too, we found the support group that I mentioned above, I joined a few FB forums, listened to podcasts, and tried to learn from other women (and men) in my situation. As with any trial, people in a similar boat came out of the woodwork. It’s like getting a new pair of eyes. I started noticing people sitting in the church pews who I never thought twice about, struggling. It was a weird feeling when we became the “project” if you will and full-well knowing what others might be saying about Nick, about us.

We’re three years into navigating this faith journey. Though, I’m fine thinking and believing differently than my husband, once Ellie (our little girl) came along on June 1st of this year, we knew we’d have to compromise on a lot of things. Her baby blessing was the first of many church landmarks. We had countless conversations about what to do. We met with our bishop many times regarding who should give the blessing and where. We came to the conclusion to ask my dad and to have it at our house. What was initially a highly anticipated, but reluctantly approached event, turned out to be a very beautiful afternoon.

There’s so much I could say about feelings of disownment, judgment and shame that have accompanied this journey. Some people have been understanding and others terribly cruel. I could dwell on the fact that I will most likely not be entering the temple with my husband any time soon. Or that Ellie will most likely be taught at some point that her dad is sinful, lazy, or unworthy. It’s safe to say, our marriage, and small family will be met with new challenges at each new stage of life. I won’t pretend for one second that we have it all together, because we don’t.

However, for those reading this who may relate on some level, I will say I’ve found peace. My husband and I are incredibly happy. I have found being open and transparent has brought so much support and love. I’ve met so many women and men in my shoes. We all live different realities because not everyone’s spouses are as understanding, willing to communicate, or even compromise. I love that Ally is providing a platform for women to talk and find camaraderie in hard life experiences. These experiences don’t define us but help give empathy, understanding, and knowledge. I won’t pretend to know how someone’s faith journey will go, or to provide any answers. But I will provide a listening ear, all judgment aside. Whether we acknowledge it or not, this camp that Nick and I find ourselves in is growing. I see it. I hope that we can come together and find strength in numbers. I hope we can wrap our arms around each other, physically and figuratively. Just know you’re not alone. Wherever you may be on your spiritual journey, I hope you know there are people who love and support you. I support you.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Andrea

Andrea was my boss at Weber State. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She has a gentle heart and is extremely understanding. I am so grateful she said yes to writing a post for me. She definitely has a strength and wisdom that will touch your heart and that I hope to have one day.
Andrea Lauritzen was raised in a small country town in southeastern Idaho. She has lived on both coasts, and in numerous areas of Utah. She has been a Licensed Massage Therapist and Therapeutic Bodyworker since 1995. She holds a BS in English Literature with a Child Development minor, and a BS in Family Studies, both from Weber State University. She is currently a graduate student at USU in the Master of Social Work program. She married at the age of 26 and, after a brief marriage and several miscarriages, divorced one and a half years later. She has been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all her life. She has spent most of her life as single. She has attended young adult, mid-singles, and family wards. Her faith and reliance on the Gospel have kept her safe and strong during the darkest times of her life. She is over 50, and currently co-teaches a primary class. She has 21 nieces/nephews, and 12 great nieces/nephews (plus 2 on the way).  She is the “cool aunt” in her family and remembers, with a card, everyone’s birthdays. Andrea plans to start a private practice once she’s a Licensed Clinical Social Worker – focusing on children, trauma recovery and resiliency, and single-adult relationship enhancement. She is a published author, and presenter.

The SINGLE Purpose

Being single can be challenging, especially in a culture where families reign and marriage is the expected goal. How does one address this challenge and still maintain a testimony of the Gospel and continue to see themselves as valuable, loveable, worthy, wanted, and so forth?

For me, this struggle lasted many years. Add to that a brief abusive marriage and divorce. Sadly, the stigma of singlehood, especially of being divorced, makes many within the church uncomfortable. A few home teachers even refused to visit because of my status. Nonetheless, I’ve appreciated a multitude of exceptional home teachers throughout my single experience. I often felt I did not fit in the Gospel because I had not met the “required” marital and family expectations. This is the ideal. Yet, God has never indicated that one is accepted or loved less who has not yet obtained the ideal.

As I grew older, I found it more difficult to find my place. I didn’t fit in the singles crowd, or the family group, or the young marrieds. Where did I fit? The truth is, I fit exactly where God wanted me to be. I fit everywhere because I am human; and as a human I can connect with others on a level beyond one’s status. We are all unique, with our own set of core beliefs, standards of living, values, ideals, goals, adversities, challenges, hopes, and tragedies. These are part of life. They come with the body. As we come and embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and live its teachings fully, God can use us for good wherever we are, and in whatever life stage we find ourselves.

God has a plan for each of us; and sometimes that plan includes being single for a time. When I began attending the mid-singles ward, I received a priesthood blessing. In this blessing, I was told that I had “been given this singleness for a purpose.” What?! I’d been given this? It has a purpose? For many years I did not understand this concept. Some years later, however, God gave me insight into what this purpose was. I had spent those years in jobs that allowed me to serve and guide others in various capacities. I’d gained further education, fulfilled church callings, made close and lasting friendships, worked on healing and improving myself, and had continued to live my life to the best of my ability.

One day, as I was talking with a co-worker, I had the strong impression that I had “chosen” the life I lived. Yes, before I came to earth I made a choice to give up having 3 or 4 kids of my own because I could help more of Heavenly Father’s children doing exactly what I was doing now.  I wouldn’t or couldn’t have done these things if I was married with children of my own. I finally understood the purpose of my singleness. God sees all things from beginning to end. His plan is about more than simply our earthly accomplishments, our own needs to “keep up with the Joneses” or do what everyone else is doing along the same timeline. God has a unique and perfect timeline for each of us that places us in the lives of those we can learn from, bless, associate with, teach, heal, comfort, and lift. We are all in this together. He wants all His children to return home to him. We can’t manage this life alone. We need one another in numerous ways, at difficult times, and in everything we do. So, sometimes that means we need to wait a little while longer than we’d like to for the blessings we desire. It’s not forever (even if at times if feels that way). It’s just a short delay; and in the process many others have the opportunity, through our service and sacrifice, to also receive those blessings. What has someone postponed, or given up for now, so that you can be blessed?

What blessings have you thrown away through your anger, resentment, doubt, hurt, or withdrawal from Gospel living and church participation because life has not gone as you expected? Whose life is not being blessed because you’re not where you’re supposed to be? Never give up the most precious blessings that come with the Gospel of Jesus Christ because of some perceived (or real) offense from another; or from God’s perceived lack of blessings in your lives. There is more to our life experience than that, so much more.

For me, the idea that I had chosen my course seemed to make all the difference in my attitude regarding my circumstances. There was nothing wrong with me. I wasn’t broken, unworthy, unwanted, damaged, or undesirable. I was being saved for a greater purpose, and for more marvelous blessings than I could imagine at that moment. WOW!! I was valuable?! God had a special plan for me as a single, middle-aged, divorced, and childless woman?! I had a grand purpose, and a marvelous life ahead of me.

Life was often still hard. I faced continuous challenges including physical and mental health issues, work stresses, financial struggles, and all the other mortal experiences we must go through as human beings in a fallen world. I still desired greatly, to the point of physical aches in my soul, to be a wife and a mother. Yet, I trusted in God and in His plan for me; and I remained steadfast in my testimony of God’s love for me, in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and in His Gospel. I remained worthy to partake of the blessings of the temple, which strengthened me against hard time. I learned not to beat myself up each time I made a mistake. God knew we’d make mistakes. He built that into the Plan of Salvation. That’s why He provided a Savior – to pay for our sins and sufferings (those we bring upon ourselves, and those brought upon us through the poor choices of others).  This, God continued to prepare me for a greater purpose which I could not even fathom at that time.

A couple of years after this epiphany, I decided it was time to let go of all the items in, what I had called for years, my hopeless shed. I’d been collecting items for a marriage and children for 30 years. That year I provided Christmas to roughly 22 children. These items weren’t serving any purpose packed in plastic containers. Some were even becoming obsolete. That year, I received a multitude of confirmations regarding how God sees the whole picture; and plans far in advance for His purposes to be manifest. I learned that God can turn all our sorrows into joy, if we let him. My hopeless shed because a joyful HopeFULL shed that witnessed to God’s love for ALL His children.

At this point in my life, as a 50+ year old single woman, I will never give birth to a child. There is a part of me that still aches for the loss of that opportunity and all that goes with it. However, I know that through following God’s plan, I can “mother” many children, bless many mothers, and touch many lives for good through God’s grace and insight. I am grateful for my life, for those things I’ve given up for now and for those blessings I’ve received instead.

There are still times when I am impatient in my wanting; and where I struggle to understand the meanings of certain situations. I’m human. I’m normal. I’m a work in progress, just as all of us are. Know that God has a marvelous plan for each of us. Our life, just as it is now, has a purpose. If you are not sure what your purpose is . . . ASK, and keep asking and watch the answers unfold into a beautiful tapestry of your life. God does not give us full-disclosure all at once. It likely would not make sense, or may be overwhelming. He gives us line upon line, as we are ready, and as the space is prepared for these things to occur. Be patient. God’s timing IS perfect; even if life seems unsure, chaotic, or hopeless at the moment. This too shall pass.

Don’t lose hope, at least not forever. Stay true to your covenants, as this is what will carry you through the doubts, fears, trials, heartaches, and challenges of life as you become all that God knows you have the potential to be. It’s a process; a long, and often painful journey toward Godhood. You can do it, yet, not alone. We all need God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and others along the way. Look back on your life – your singlehood – and make a list of all the blessings you’ve received that would not have come under different circumstances. These may include a friend, a skill, knowledge, testimony; opportunities in relationships, education or career; learning, service, insight, and so forth. These are the compensating blessings for your adversities and sacrifices. Now think carefully about the blessings you have provided to others during this time? I’m sure these are numerous. Make another list so you can recognize God’s hand in your life and in the lives of others.

Being single is a blessing. Those who are single provide a unique perspective on Gospel living. We offer help to the lonely, discouraged, overwhelmed, distraught, aged, and the young. We can serve in capacities and places where others may not be able to. We can strengthen people at work, at church, in our fellowships and friendships; and be an example to struggling youth. We can take on the role of “cool aunt or uncle,” supportive sibling, caregiver to ailing parents, and more simply because we are single. Our marital status does not define us. It is not who we are. It does not mean God has forgotten us, or that there is something inherently wrong with us. It is simply the place where we are at this time, to learn what we need to learn or do what we need to do, to prepare us to go home to God.

Nevertheless, if you have experienced trauma, suffer from physical or mental health issues, struggle with social challenges, or experience other areas of conflict that inhibit your ability to connect with others and live life fully . . . seek help! There are many resources available to heal your wounds. Feel safe in accessing these resources from church leaders and by seeking guidance from God and listening to the Holy Spirit. If you have made choices that have led you away from full-fellowship in the Gospel it is not too late to come back.  God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, stand waiting with open arms and loving and forgiving hearts. The Savior understands, maybe better than we do, why we have strayed or made certain choices. He has already paid for our sins, our heartaches, and our pains.  Come to Him and let Him heal you.

Sometimes healing happens quickly. Yet, more often, it is a process. Our bodies are mortal and there is a manner of healing physically and mentally that may need time, energy, and focused attention.  Hang in there. Healing is also done line upon line, and layer upon layer, until we are made whole through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This process can sometimes be painful and challenging, like the hurt that put it there.  Don’t despair! Work through the pain. It’s worth it when you get to the other side.  For there, it is easier to connect with God, and others. Sometimes our pain prevents us from clearly seeing the path we’re on, and the better plan God has prepared for us.

Don’t regret or waste your singleness. Discover what purpose it holds in your life, and in the lives of others. Keep asking. Keep taking steps into the darkness until you can see a glimmer of the glorious light ahead. Being single is not the end of the world. It’s just a step along the journey. Enjoy this step. Learn all you can from it. Serve with love, and live in gratitude. Gratitude, not simply being grateful, changes one’s perspective on life. We can see things from God’s perspective easier when we live in an attitude of gratitude. This time in our life, being single, has a meaningful purpose to God.  Whether you chose this, or it has been thrust upon you, God can bring joy and fulfillment out of the heartache of loneliness, waiting, and searching.

As I look back on my life, I can clearly see how each step along the way (especially the hard ones) have prepared me to fulfill my potential. I am currently in graduated school becoming a social worker. I recognize that all the challenging experiences of my life will serve me in having more understanding and compassion for a variety of individual circumstances. I can continue to bless for good the lives of more of God’s children. Being single was not a waste. It was not a product of my incapacity to find a husband. It was not because of some wrong I committed, or some damage that made me unwanted. It was the crucible I needed to forge to become the person God wanted me to be. It was the Gethsemane that provided me with empathy for others’ pain and suffering so I could more effectively succor them, as the Savior succors me. I am grateful for my singleness, for all I’ve learned and gained and suffered. I am grateful for those eternal friends who bless my life, which I would not have met any other way. I recognize now that the greatest gift of my adversity was me. God used my adversities to shape me, to lift and guide me, and to fashion me into the divine woman of God He knew I was. I am still a work in progress. I still struggle regularly. Yet I know to whom I can turn for strength, and where to put my trust, and who has the answers when I question. It is this relationship with my God, and my Savior, which keeps me safe and guides me through my darkest hours into their glorious light and hope and future.

If you feel far from deity, or from yourself, kneel and cry unto God for support. He is close, only waiting for us to seek Him out. He will not force Himself into our lives, as some people may. He wants to be invited . . . welcomed. Welcome Him in, and be “encircled eternally in the arms of His love” (Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 1:15).

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Kennedy

My sister-in-law sent me Kennedy's story. I got in touch with her and she was willing to let me share. She was in a tragic car accident and then came home from her mission after a few weeks. I am so amazed by her bravery and strength. I know she will bless lives because she went through these experiences. The following is from a blog post she wrote. 

Beautiful Heartbreaks 

August 10, 2017

John 16:33 “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

How amazing is that to think about? That it doesn’t matter what things are thrown in our way or what hardships we’re asked face, because of our Savior, Jesus Christ. That His atoning sacrifice really does overcome all things and because of that, we have nothing to fear. This scripture has been extremely close to my heart the past few months as I’ve experienced a few things that have tried and tested me. Life is hard and unfair and can beat you down, but as funny as it sounds, when these times come around, I feel like we not only feel the lowest lows, but we also have the ability to feel of the highest highs.

Back at the beginning of February on a super rainy night, three friends and I were leaving to go from our university to Vegas for a weekend trip. I decided to drive because none of my friends had access to a car. Before we even made it out of town, we were driving down a narrow, unlit street and we ended up getting into an auto-pedestrian accident. This old man, wearing a dark raincoat with the hood up, arms full of groceries was crossing the street without a crosswalk just as we happened to be driving on it. I remember so vividly the impact and seeing the body of the man I had just hit roll into the street, not even sure at the moment what had just happened. I remember pulling my glass filled car to the side of the road and running out in the pouring rain to kneel by the man’s side screaming at him the words “please wake up” and “please be ok” over and over again. It was one of those things that you only expect to see in movies- to say the least, we were all scared and in a lot of shock.

During this time, we had many cars and people stop to make sure we were ok, including two people I like to now consider my earthly angels. While we were sitting in my car, soaked from the rain and waiting to get my information back from a policeman, a sweet lady walked over to us to make sure we were alright, and even though we assured her we were fine, a few minutes later she came back to our car and told us she wasn’t going to leave us and welcomed us into her and her husband’s truck. Them taking us in that night was such a tender mercy and we were all convinced that Heavenly Father had placed them in our path that night on purpose. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when the lady, who we now all consider a close friend, explained her experience that night. The words she used are waayyy better than I could ever try come up with, so I want to share what she said:

“We were headed down Center Street to go to dinner at Café Sabor. But then I told Jason to turn on first east to go to Le Nonne, which normally I would never say because we weren’t dressed up and didn’t have reservations. When we got there it looked super busy so we just kept on driving along first east and that’s how we happened upon the accident. We both felt strongly that we should stop even though it appeared that several others had stopped. After getting out and helping and seeing things were under control, I got back in the truck. That’s when I had the spirit tell me, ‘Don’t leave those girls!’ That’s when I came to your car and asked you to come to the truck with me.”

She continued explaining to us that she knows that they were led to us that night, and I have no doubt that she is right. Right after the accident had happened, my friends and I said a prayer asking not only for the man to be fine, but also to have comfort in the situation and I believe this couple was an answer to our prayer. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father was looking over us that night and was fully aware of everything going on.

Later that night back at our apartment after receiving priesthood blessings, the detective showed up and let us know that even though there was nothing we could have done to prevent the accident because of the circumstances, that the man I hit had passed away in the ambulance on his way to the hospital. Of course, I felt shaken up and extremely heartbroken, but weirdly enough for the situation, I also felt calm and at peace. Once again, I felt that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was surrounding me with people to bear me up.

I remember the next day sitting alone in my room and I just started crying. I wasn’t crying because I was angry about what happened, or sad, or frustrated, but I was crying because I felt so overwhelmed with love.  At that moment sitting in my room, I literally felt the arms of my Savior wrapped around me. I felt like so many worldly things were being thrown at me, yet I couldn’t feel any of them.  It was when I felt lost in the world, that I was able to find myself in Christ. I’ve come to realize the importance and power of having a foundation of faith in the Savior. He was my continuous rock and anchor- because of my faith in Him, I couldn’t sink. Sometimes it’s hard for us to find the beauty in heartbreak when we’re experiencing hard things. We feel like everything’s going wrong and that we’re so alone. Sometimes we feel helplessness because we’re so caught up in everything happening that we aren’t able to see the Lord’s hand in the process. In my situation, it took me hitting a low and allow myself to see Him, and when I did, He was everywhere. I don’t even think I could ever count all of the tender mercies I recognized and received because of my faith in Him. The next few weeks I honestly did better than I ever imagined I could. I moved on with school, work, etc. and I was able to find happiness, but I know that none of that was because of me. Obviously, it was still hard, but Christ was without a doubt lifting me up. Without Him, I wouldn’t have had the strength to endure. Through this experience, the Atonement of Christ became so real to me. He was mending my broken heart and carrying me when I couldn’t walk.

So, fast forward to the beginning of this June when I entered the MTC to serve in the Ecuador Guayaquil West mission. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to anything more in my life. I had the strongest desire to serve and I was sooo pumped to finally get out and become a missionary. The first few days were amazing and my optimism and excitement was at a high. It wasn’t until about 4 days in when I started getting strong promptings that I wasn’t supposed to be there. But, for those of you that know me, I’m a pretty stubborn girl, and I was dead set on serving a mission. Because of this, I kept putting off the promptings and every day it got worse and worse, eventually leading me to have extreme anxiety to the point where I couldn’t sit still or focus at all. I was so frustrated. I knew that I was doing one of the best things I could be doing. I knew that Heavenly Father had told me I needed to serve a mission. I knew that I wanted to serve a mission more than anything. But, regardless of all that, everything kept showing me I needed to go home.

Eventually I started feeling worse and worse and then the anxiety I had from the crash started to kick back in. After talking to my Branch President, we decided I needed to visit the counselor. Each visit the counselor offered me the option of calling home to talk to my family and each time I declined it. Any time he brought up the idea of me maybe returning home with an honorary medical release to get help with my anxiety, I’d quickly shut it down. I didn’t want to give in and I kept fighting the urges to return home.

I had shared all of this with my companion (who by the way is the most amazing person EVER) and one day we were planning a lesson for our investigator and she pulled out a Mormon Message for us to share called “The Will of God”. If you haven’t seen it, I’d definitely recommend it, it’s SO GOOD. Anyway, after watching that video I knew that I needed to do what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. So, finally, I knelt down to pray and I told him that I was willing to accept whatever he had planned for me. I told him that it didn’t matter to me what other people would think about me if I returned home, but it did matter to me that He wouldn’t be disappointed in me for not serving a full mission or that He didn’t feel like I was giving up on him. During a visit to the temple on the next P-day, my prayer was answered and I knew Heavenly Father needed me to be elsewhere. Everything happened so fast and by the next afternoon I was on my way back to Kaysville with my family.

Coming home was extremely hard, so much harder than I ever imagined. I know. Weird. You’d think that since I was only gone for a few weeks that it wouldn’t be THAT hard, but it was. I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything and even though I knew I made the right decision, I still felt guilty for being home.  My mission was all I could think about and I had reoccurring dreams every night about it for the first few weeks, each time waking up feeling so depressed. One morning I was on a walk with my mom and I told her about how I was feeling and she just started crying out of nowhere and said, “I wasn’t going to tell you this but now I feel like I should”. I guess to understand this part of the story I need to explain that sometimes before big things in life happen, my mom has premonitions of them, such as before my grandpa passed away or before she was diagnosed with cancer. Anyway, she continued to tell me that the week before I left she kept having thoughts and visions of her and my dad reading the letters that they wrote to me and stuck in my suitcase before I left for the MTC at my funeral. They were letters that contained their testimonies and encouragements of how we can do hard things and that Christ is always with us and will help us when we are struggling. She told me that for the entire week leading up to me leaving, she cried and cried, but she didn’t want to tell me, because she knew how excited I was to go and felt that if I wasn’t supposed to go, I would be feeling something too; and she didn’t want to tell my dad, because he’s a dad and was already freaking out about his only girl leaving. So, she kept the feelings to herself and it wasn’t until 3 days before I was supposed to report that I got changed from the Colombia MTC to the Provo MTC and the bad feelings she was having suddenly went away. Things were great until I got into the MTC and started to have those same sick feelings of being there that my mom was having the week before. About two weeks in, I got called to the travel office and they gave me flight plans to switch back to the Colombia MTC the next week and in that moment those feelings I was having doubled and I knew I wasn’t supposed to go.

So now, here I am. It’s crazy because I knew that I was supposed to serve a mission and after only a couple of weeks, I knew Heavenly Father was telling me I needed to be home. There are so many things I don’t know about- I don’t know why my mom had those premonitions and I don’t know why I felt so strongly that I needed to be home. Maybe He told me that I needed to serve a mission just so He knew that I’d be willing to, or maybe I learned everything that He wanted me to learn in that short time I was gone. Maybe something is going to happen at home that I needed to be here for, or maybe something was going to happen on my mission that I needed to be protected from. I honestly have no idea. BUT, what I do know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for us all and I trust him. I do know that He was telling me I need to be home, and for whatever reason that is, I’m willing to follow and act on it. Of course, I’d love to go back out on my mission and I will if I receive an answer that that’s what He wants me to do, but for the time being, I know I’m supposed to be here. Being a missionary was the most amazing experience and I’m forever grateful for everything that I was able to be a part of. Being home is SO hard, especially with having my mind so set on serving my mission. But, through it all and accepting God’s will, I have grown immensely and have come to know my Savior and the power of His atonement in ways I wouldn’t have been able to without experiencing this.
Even with that knowledge and a strong testimony of Him, things can still be hard though, and I think that’s something that people don’t always understand. Our pains and sorrows aren’t just going to be taken away from us, rather, we’re going to be strengthened to bare them. I’m not going to lie, for the first little bit I was at home, I struggled pretty bad. I was discouraged and doubtful of the things I could accomplish. I felt that I was a failure and I constantly had the thought running through my mind that “if other people could do this, why couldn’t I?” Me getting to the point where I’m at now, where I’m happy and working towards my future, wasn’t something that happened over night. It was a slow and gradual process and it’s even still happening right now. But the point is, is that once I got to where I decided to actively exercise my faith and accept the will of the Lord, that’s when he bore me up and I was able to see his miracles continually in every aspect of my life.  Something that has really stood out to me since I’ve returned is the knowledge that Heavenly Father is so mindful of each of us and our situations and he wants more than anything to be able to help us. Through certain experiences I’ve had in the past little bit of being home, I know that Heavenly Father is telling me that He knows. He knows and is aware of my heartache. He knows my disappointment, He knows my intentions to serve, He knows the feelings I’ve been having, and most importantly He knows that His plan for me is far greater than the plan I saw for myself.

Both with the car crash and returning home from my mission early, I can testify that we are never alone. Christ suffered not only for our sins but for our pains and sorrows too, and because he knows how we feel, he knows how to succor us and lift us up. I love the quote by Harold B Lee:

“Don’t be afraid of the testing and trials of life. Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea”.

I know this is true. God gives us trials and hardships to grow, and when we endure them well and remain faithful to Him and his plan, we also grow closer to him. We experience the refiners fire for the sole purpose of coming to know the refiner, and I can testify that this WILL happen if we have faith in Him and what he’s capable of. Sometimes things don’t go the way we want or plan, but those are usually the times when he’s molding us into what he sees our potential to be.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of. Throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace” -C.S. Lewis

I wouldn’t change these two experiences I’ve had for the world. I don’t know why I was asked to go through these these trials, but I know that everything happens for a reason and I’m extremely optimistic to eventually find out why. They’ve taught me more than I could have ever hoped and I’ve come to know my Savior in a way that I never even imagined possible. I know that Christ is constantly by our side and that because of His Atonement we can be made whole in anything we’re asked to experience in life. Climbing mountains can be hard and painful, but the view from the top is worth it all. The beauty that we see from there is something we never would be able to recognize and piece together from the bottom. I know that there is not one person that can't make it to the top with the help of Christ. Turn to him, lean on him, walk with him.  “If the foundation of faith is not in our hearts, our power to endure will crumble”. Faith in our Savior, Jesus Christ is SO important and enables us to endure and push forward with hope and optimism.  He has helped me find joy in my journey, and I know He can do the same for anyone else. Even in the darkest times, his light shines so brightly that we can find true happiness. Christ truly does overcome the world.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Rosie

I have been following Q.Noor Temple Dresses on Instagram for a while and when I started this new series I remembered a post that Rosie wrote a few months prior, which she shares in the beginning of her story about dishes, and figured that even though she is a super busy business owner and do-gooder that I would ask her to write something for this blog. I am so grateful she said yes because I love what she has to say about being single.
Rosemary Card grew up in Utah and New York. At the age of 16 she left Salt Lake City to model internationally with Elite Model Management after being scouted on the set of High School Musical. Rosie worked in NYC, Milan, Singapore, and Tokyo before retiring from the industry shortly after she turned 18.
Since 2007, She has been speaking to youth groups and Relief Societies about her experiences as a high fashion model and the importance of education and service in the journey of self-acceptance. Rosie has made guest appearances on many podcasts and NPR.
She graduated from BYU with a degree in Broadcast Journalism and served a mission in the faraway magical land of Mesa, Arizona. After college, she worked for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints producing and shooting videos internationally. She worked on various projects including the “I’m a Mormon” campaign, The Bible Videos, My Plan, and Elder Nelson’s 90th Birthday.
She launched Q.NOOR, a line of LDS temple dresses designed to help women feel more at home in the House of the Lord late 2015. Q.NOOR has been featured in many publications including The Desert News, The Friend Magazine, The Daily Mail, The New York Times, and the Card family scrapbook.
She lives in Salt Lake City with her goldendoodle, Ted, and is a proud pioneer of the stay-at-home-YSA lifestyle. She loves watching dog videos on the internet, Arby’s, serving refugee families in her community, and is currently mastering “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica.

Eight years ago I was walking on BYU campus and listening to a talk by a sister leader…and I can’t remember her name so…sorry. She related a memory of when she purchased her first home and cried her eyes out while she unpacked her dishes. She was crushed because she felt like she was supposed to be buying that home with a husband. They were supposed to be unpacking those dishes together. And someone else was supposed to have bought those dang dishes off a wedding registry.

When I heard that, I had the distinct feeling that one day I would buy my own home ....and dishes. For a moment I felt disappointed that my life may not turn out like those lists I made in YW, but then I felt total peace. I promised myself then and there that when the day came that I buy my own home and dishes, I wouldn’t be crushed and I wouldn’t cry.

A couple of months ago, after years of saving, I bought my own home and dishes AND I cried. Not because I feel like something has gone wrong with “the plan,” but because I can’t believe how perfectly it has all come together.

My life as a stay-at-home YSA dog mom business owner is what God has chosen to help me become like Christ. It has its ups and downs. Freedom and bad dates. Excitement and disappointment. Today I feel truly grateful for it all.

I am not living my Plan B life. I am living the life God intended for me all along. Marriage is one of the many tools God uses to help us become like His Son, Jesus Christ. But it is not the only tool and it is not the tool He uses for everyone. Single members of the Church are not in a progression holding pattern. We are just progressing differently than married members.

Believe it or not, I am 28 years old, single as h*ck, and happy as can be. I have great friends who fill my love cup to the brim. I have a job that stretches me and pushes me in ways I could have never have imagined. My singleness allows me to serve in the Church and in my community in ways I couldn’t if I was married and it fills my heart with satisfaction. First dates, break ups and everything in between teach me about people, communication, trust, forgiveness, and so much more. I am becoming like Christ. Sure, I have hard days like anyone else, but there is not a gaping hole in my life. The only time I cry myself to sleep is when I watch YouTube montages of veterans returning to their dogs after deployment.

I worry that we set single members of the Church up for failure when we teach that marriage is the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to become like Christ. Regardless of what some people in my life may think, I don’t have control over when I get married. I do have control over how I feel about it. Are there lonely nights? Yes. But I’m willing to guess there are lonely night for married people, too. Can it be discouraging to watch my friends having and raising kids? Yes. But I’m guessing is can be discouraging for my stay-at-home mom friends to watch their single friends traveling and doing big things at work.

When we divide ourselves into different teams we immediately start playing the comparison game. In the comparison game there are no winners. Everyone walks away feeling sad and discouraged because that’s what happens when you’re ungrateful for the life you have been given. Wouldn’t it be nice it was could stop bickering over who has it harder/easier or who is happier/sadder? Wouldn’t it be better if we all started just seeing each other as brothers and sisters working to get home? I sure think so.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Audrey

I am beyond blessed to be able to call Audrey "sister." She is the one who inspired me to start this blog series after we had a long, deep phone call one afternoon. Her example of faith and strength have been a huge help to me many times in my short time of knowing her.
Audrey is a 30 year old wife and mother of two living in southern Delaware. Being a young mother of an active two year old in 2012, Audrey never expected to be able to empathize with the many couples around her struggling with infertility. After she and her husband went through a three and a half year period of secondary infertility, they were surprised to discover they were expecting their second son, who came in August of 2016. She is currently a stay at home mom to their two boys, ages six and one. She enjoys music, travel, reading, exercising, hiking in the mountains, boating, Polynesian culture, American history, the beach, all kinds of carbs, and serving in her current calling on her stake's public affairs committee. She has a Bachelor's Degree in Communications with an emphasis in Public Relations from Brigham Young University.

Who cries simultaneous tears of joy, grief, and sadness when they go to Disney World? This basket case mom right here! It was the last night of a mostly-perfect Disney experience with our four year old son, shared with his grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin. We had just closed the park with the light parade and castle firework show. During all the epic lights and music, I was definitely caught up in the Disney spirit, fully drinking the company Kool-aid. We had saved for a long time to be able to take our son to Disney and this seemed like the perfect wrap-up to a preschooler's most magical dream vacation. As I watched the show, I found myself being filled with a sense of peace, contentment, and gratitude that because we only had one child at this stage in our lives, we had been able to make this experience happen.

As quickly and intensely as I felt those peaceful feelings, however, I instantly felt the guilt come crashing back in. Again. “How can you possibly be happy that you only have one child?! You're not supposed to be happy about this! You're supposed to be sad! You should be wanting another child more than you want an extravagant vacation! Your priorities are messed up!” I told myself over and over, and then again told my husband through my tears in the bathroom of our hotel as we were getting ready for bed that night. He lovingly and patiently reminded me of what I was trying so hard to remember—that we WOULD rather have a baby than a Disney vacation; that if given the choice, I would be so happy to stay home in sweatpants with sticky toddlers and babies in diapers. But that wasn't how life was working out for us, and enjoying the life we had with the family we had in the circumstances we had was not wrong or sinful. Basically, he said, it was OKAY to feel grateful for my blessings, to enjoy the moment, and to be happy we had one child. He told me—again—I could let the guilt go. I hugged him tightly, lifted my chin and gave my best attempt at a smile, turned off my tears, and enjoyed the rest of our vacation.

Hard Emotions
But why did I keep doing that—praying for contentment and then feeling guilty the moment I found it? It was a common cycle in my thought process. We had been trying to have a baby for almost three years at that point. I had been through the emotional roller coaster several times and in lots of variations. I had felt lots of painful emotions time and again: Frustration. Impatience. Jealousy. Guilt. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Fear. Exhaustion. Apathy. Heartache. Forgotten. Fault. Confusion. More jealousy. More guilt. These feelings didn't usually come all at once, and they didn't often stay very long. It would be a pinprick here and there. Some moments were harder than others. Only a couple of times did it feel like a full body slam. The pain was there, but throughout our secondary infertility journey, I learned several lessons that made the time sacred to me, time that my husband and I wouldn't trade now at all.

Not even knowing what's wrong
Our reason for secondary infertility was “undetermined.” It was so confusing, especially because we already had a child who had come to us quickly and without any problems. To quickly sum up our medical history, we had initially done some generic tests after about a year and a half of trying, which all came back normal. My doctor had immediately coded it as “infertility,” however, so our insurance wouldn't cover the tests. We ended up paying the $2,000 we had saved for the birth of another baby just to pay for these preliminary tests telling us basically nothing—that they couldn't find any surface-level problems. That quickly opened our eyes to the reality we were now facing—that infertility treatments are VERY expensive. We prayerfully turned to the Lord for direction, and the answer we received was to “Wait.”

Wait
So we did. We waited and waited. Secondary infertility is hard in unique ways though—one of the biggest being that you feel like there is constant pressure from a ticking clock—that every month you're not pregnant is one month farther apart your kids will be spaced from each other.

The what-if's creep in: What if they're too far apart that they're not friends? What if my little boy never even gets a sibling? What if there's actually something seriously wrong with me but we're not taking the actions we need to be taking, which will make things worse in the long run?

I prayed daily for help overcoming all these stressful what-if's and to know the Lord's plan for us. Each time I sincerely and faithfully connected to the Holy Ghost, pleading to the Lord for understanding, I felt the same gentle, loving answer: “Wait.” It was always accompanied with peace, which gave me the faith and patience to relax and keep living.

Needing to be needed
I continued to periodically feel stress, anxiety, and fear, especially early on; however, as time continued to pass, I gradually began to notice my prayers changing. Instead of praying that we'd be able to have another baby, I began to pray to know how to best move forward with our family and to learn how to be happy now.

It was during this time that I was (very) unexpectedly called to be our stake Young Women president. That's an uncommon calling for someone of my age (I was 26) and inexperience. But the Lord knew I needed to serve as I was going through this trial of not having another baby on my time frame. He knew I needed purpose, identity, direction, friends, focus, faith, and to see miracles unfolding in my life as I learned to recognize His hand in all the areas where I would be inadequate on my own. I needed to be humbled and lifted at the same time. That calling certainly gave me that. Having that opportunity to serve in my life was evidence to me that the Lord doesn't leave us comfortless in our trials. I don't know that I helped anyone else at all during the three years I served, but I was certainly put in a place where I stood on the shoulders of giants. I learned essential principles and truths necessary for my personal conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I had foundational experiences needed for my lifetime of service in His church. I'm so grateful for the time I had to learn and grow in that calling, and my family was constantly blessed during that period. I'm convinced it wouldn't have happened the way that it did if I had had more young children at home.  

The Power of Prayer and a Unified Fast
As the clock kept ticking, I continued to find more evidence of the Lord's love for me in my life. I was busy, contributing, and loving the stage of life my four year old was in. I was reaching a point where I was truly content. (Aside from an occasional moment of grief, like when I'd think of my child really never having a sibling.) It seemed like the longer we waited, the happier we learned to be in our circumstances. We'd pray to know how and when to change our direction for our family, but no immediate or earth shattering inspiration was coming. I was coming to accept that this was our life and we could truly be happy in it.

But as time progressed and I felt more peace, I was surprised to find our trial becoming more of a trial of faith and patience on our loved ones, especially our parents. We weren't very public with our struggle, but our family members knew our desires and our heartaches, and they mourned with us. Looking back over that 3+ year time period, there were times when I KNEW without a doubt that I was feeling peace, contentment, and gratitude because of the prayers of others. I knew our families were praying for us, our parents were putting our names on the temple prayer roll, and I could feel those prayers distinctly. Although I tried to keep most of what we were going through private, I knew this trial wasn't mine alone to bear—I could feel my family members on both sides of the veil lifting me and lightening my burden of grief.

Part way through 2015, we finally felt like it was time revisit the idea of getting medical help. We found a new doctor who was awesome and had actually gone through IVF herself a couple years before. She started me on Clomid, which is a pretty common starting point for working with infertility. I had a lot of fear about being on medication (I never even take Tylenol or Ibuprofen—I will just suffer through anything other than childbirth), but I took a leap of faith and we began the rounds. Although we knew it was just the first step, when we reached our last round (out of six), it was hard not to feel discouraged. It looked like we would be needing more specialized help than what our OB/GYN could give us.

It was in that moment that I realized I needed to humble myself and truly ask for help. I know why some people choose to keep their fertility struggles private because we were that same way ourselves. But we had a big decision to make—do we keep waiting? Do we go down the road of science? We'd never felt right about adoption, but was it time to start looking into that? Was one child all we were meant to have? I suddenly felt like we needed to ask our parents and siblings to hold a special fast for us as part of the next Fast Sunday. It was HARD to ask for that though. If my child was dying in a hospital, I wouldn't hesitate to ask for everyone in the world to fast for us, so why was this so hard? I can sum it up into one word: pride. My husband and I pride ourselves on being independent and not asking for things from anyone that we don't really need. It's both a strength and a weakness.  As I was battling with this thought, the voice of a good friend in my ward came to my mind. She and her husband are both converts to the church and have zero family support in religious matters. She's said many times that she feels it's the two of them against the world. I could hear her telling me, “If you have access to that much faith, why WOULDN'T you use it?!” I suddenly felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the spiritual strength of each of my family members, and a responsibility to call on their faith in behalf of all those incredible people out there who wished they had that in their own families. I knew that if the tables were turned, I would gladly exercise all the faith I could muster for my loved ones, so I knew I needed to give them the opportunity to exercise theirs for me.

The plea in our fast was not that we would “get pregnant.” We simply asked that as we were approaching this crossroad that we would be blessed with the Spirit to know how to move forward. We no longer felt like it was time to “Wait.” All throughout that Fast Sunday, I didn't get any specific answers, but I felt SO. MUCH. PEACE. I felt as if I were floating through the day and the coming weeks. I knew the Lord knew me, loved me, cared about our family, and though He might not give us all the answers at once, He would through the Spirit be giving us enough to hold on to so we could move forward in faith. And I knew we could do it, whatever “it” ended up being. After a couple weeks, we prayerfully made a decision.

Moving Forward
On January 18, 2016, I had two doctor appointments scheduled, but could only make it to one. The first was a consultation at a fertility clinic in Annapolis to start the long process of determining the best way to scientifically help bring another baby into our family. After the many years of waiting, we were apprehensive about that consultation but happy that we finally felt good about having a direction to move forward in.

I had to eventually call and cancel that appointment though, after I made one for the same day at the OB/GYN's office for an ultrasound to see our seven week fetus on the screen for the first time. I was basically in denial up until that point that we were actually pregnant, and when I saw the little flutter of his heartbeat on the screen, my head didn't know what to think, my heart didn't know what to feel. We had no idea how this miracle had happened without more scientific help. In fact, I spent the first 20+ weeks of my pregnancy in some degree of shock and disbelief.  As he continued to grow and move inside me though, I settled into the idea of having another member of our family come to us. I kept learning to exercise my faith over fear, choosing to believe that he would be taken care of, and would arrive healthy and safely.

Lessons Learned
There are far too many to list in detail, but I'm grateful for the chance to reflect on all the lessons I learned over those three and a half years of this trial: of faith in the Lord and His timing, patience, endurance, long suffering, contentment, gratitude, compassion, letting go of guilt, overcoming jealousy, the “But if not” principle, the reality of our Savior's Atonement, empathy, strengthening my partnership with my husband, the power of a unified fast, being satisfied with being given doses of “daily bread” to get me through a moment at a time, and a whole stinkin' lot of humility. I learned those lessons many times over, long before I ever saw that second pink line. All of them led me back to the same core place—Jesus Christ.

The answer is Jesus Christ and His Atonement
Ours isn't the journey I would have picked for us starting out, but now I wouldn't trade it or give it back for anything. And what I'm amazed at is that I came to feel that way BEFORE this precious little boy came to us. He wasn't the solution to my heartache—the Atonement of Jesus Christ was. I learned how to trust in the Savior to give me strength in the moments I needed it, to take a leap of faith without seeing the end in sight, to know that someone truly understood my heartache and sorrow, and to believe that my life could be more beautiful by trusting in God than it would be by relying on my own limited vision and control. I finally reached a place where I knew that if we weren't ever supposed to have another baby, we would be okay. I finally learned how to be happy BEFORE this little boy came, which makes my joy now that he's here truly full. Both of our boys (born 5.5 years apart) are complete miracles in our lives and both came exactly when we—when I—needed them most. God is so good and my heart is so full. My cup runneth over today and always.

Feature Friday: Aly

I met Aly at a dinner event with Munchin' with Moguls. She made a comment about her job and blog and so after the dinner was over I asked her if she'd be willing to share her story here, and she said yes! Her blog and Instagram account are amazing. She radiates beauty, on the inside and the outside. Plus she seems perfect for the job she has, she goes in to more detail below.
Aly is a 23 year old Brigham Young University graduate who currently lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. She enjoys cooking, traveling, spending time with family and friends, and being adventurous. She works as a Recreational Therapist and is also the creator of Build Your Beautiful-- a blog focused on self-love and holistic health.

Hi! My name is Aly. I'm a health fanatic, a recreational therapist, and a blogger.

My three titles have something in common. I became these three things after a difficult challenge I faced in high school. I'll get into the details here in just a moment.

First and foremost, I'll tell you about therapeutic recreation. Therapeutic recreation is a holistic process that uses recreation and leisure of all different kinds to bring about a positive change, emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, and socially in an effort to maintain and improve quality of life. I currently work with children and teens ages 6-18 in a behavioral health facility. Most of the patients I work with suffer from anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, chemical dependency, or intermittent explosive disorder. Although these are the most common diagnoses, I do work with patients who have other challenges as well.

As a recreational therapist, I facilitate group therapy sessions to teach patients skills they can use to improve their lives. For instance, sometimes I do activities based on social skills to teach my patients how to interact appropriately with others. Sometimes I do activities involving physical sports to teach patients appropriate ways to use their leisure time. Other times I do activities based on mindfulness to help patients recognize their personal feelings and emotions.

I love my job and feel so blessed to do something that has the potential to literally change the lives of others. I decided to become a recreational therapist after I used therapy and recreational activities to help me through one of the most challenging times of my life. This is where the "health fanatic" and "blogger" titles come into play.

My story goes like this:

After a difficult experience in high school I began to see myself as everything I was not instead of everything I was. At the time, I thought “I should do something about my challenge… something to make me feel better about myself.”

This “something” turned into eating healthier, exercising more, and focusing on myself. Seems great, right? It was great until it went too far and I became obsessed with accomplishing those goals. It all went downhill from there.

My obsession turned into an eating disorder. I suffered from anorexia nervosa for years.

What most people don’t understand about an eating disorder is that the disorder is about so much morethan just food. Yes, the disorder manifests itself through food, but it’s not like someone can just start eating more and POOF they’re all better. I only wish it were that easy.

I suffered physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Some of these consequences are completely out of my control and may haunt me forever. I had an extremely low self-esteem, I had a disturbed body-image, and I was constantly self-conscious. I isolated myself from the world, I felt undeserving of love and acceptance, and I completely rejected myself. I was irritable, anxious, and terribly confused.

I used to prove my worth by the amount of food I ate and the number of calories I burned. I used to prove my worth by my jean size and the number on the scale. I’m here to tell you something I wished someone had told me long ago… those numbers DO NOT reflect your worth!

Abandon the bull crap you’ve been brainwashed to believe about perfection and beauty. Thick eyebrows and a thigh gap cannot buy the freedom that comes when you embrace who you are and your own imperfect journey.

Those strong legs allow you to run, jump, carry heavy things, and explore the world. Those freckles on your skin came from your grandma who also gave you your bright eyes and zest for life. Those intense emotions you feel allow you to connect with other individuals and show how powerful experiences can be.

You can focus on what the world thinks of you, or you can focus on what YOU think of you. The percentage of your time you spend worrying about what the world thinks of you is time wasted. The way you feel about yourself is what matters most.

Though I have come a long way, those unhealthy habits and tendencies haven’t completely vanished. I still feel obligated to check nutritional information on everything I eat; I still feel guilty sometimes when I eat because I’m hungry instead of at my “scheduled” times; I still feel self-conscious some days when I look in the mirror. Though these things are not innately negative, they can become negative if they are taken too far. I’m working to find that balance in my everyday life.

As a society, we rarely talk about the things that hold us back from becoming the person we want to be. The person I constantly strive to be is someone who is kind, loving, generous, healthy, energetic, and joyful. Keeping my challenge bottled up inside of me helps absolutely no one. It doesn’t help me obtain these desired attributes and it certainly doesn’t help anyone else fight through similar battles to become who they want to be.

It has taken me YEARS to get to the point I’m at now. Looking back, I can honestly say I’m glad I’ve had this experience. I’ve met so many wonderful and inspiring individuals through my struggle. I’ve found who I am and who I want to be. I’ve grown stronger and more confident. I’ve learned how to listen to my body and address my personal needs in a healthy way. I’ve learned how to express myself in positive ways; this blog is one of those ways.

The reason I created my blog, Build Your Beautiful, is to encourage others who have a negative view of themselves to have a more positive self-esteem. I know some of you may feel like that goal is impossible, but I’m living proof it is possible. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, reach out to someone you can trust. I’m always willing to talk to anyone who reaches out to me! Transparency is what has helped me the most through my journey. The moment I started sharing my story, three years ago, is the moment I started making progress.

I know that we each have been given unique gifts in this life. I know that we often face challenges to help us recognize those gifts. While challenges are not easy and trials are not fun, we can learn and grow an extraordinary amount through these processes. One of my biggest challenges has also become one of my biggest blessings. Trust in your own process and be patient with yourself. Sometimes those painful experiences teach us things we never thought we would need to know.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Emily

Emily shared this on my friend Aumberly's instagram, @trekthruconference, and she asked if Emily would be alright with me sharing it here. Obviously she said yes so here we are! 

I seriously admire her and the hardships she has gone through because her husband deals with depression. A little while ago I wrote a post about how mental illnesses are tough on everyone and one of the three people I mentioned was someone who lives with someone with an illness. I couldn't fully comprehend what that meant, and tried my best to write about it, and so I am extremely grateful Emily has opened up about this and is willing to share. Read on for some enlightenment.

Growing up, I didn't expect to have the perfect marriage but I did have an idea of what I wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, my husband to have a regular 9-5, a nice little house suited for our needs and a backyard for the kids. I anticipate 4 kids or more because being Mormon means having a large family. I expected the normal trials of marriage and adulthood: finances, busy schedule with church callings, kid’s sports and extracurricular activities, friends and family gatherings and so on. Even though this picture-perfect life isn't what I have now, what I never, ever thought would be a trial of mine was mental illness. And the mental illness isn't even mine, it's my husband's.

Ever since he was a kid he's struggled with anxiety and depression. I don't comprehend what it's like to have these illnesses. I mean, I get nervous when I have a presentation but I don't understand what it's like to live in a constant state of fear and stress, to struggle getting out of bed in the morning after getting a few hours of restless sleep, to not have energy to do even the most basic tasks. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.

Our first two years of marriage were fine. I didn't see him struggle even though he probably was. The next 3 years he got increasingly sick. Eventually he was missing a day of work every other week. I thought that he was going to get fired because there was no way he had enough sick/vacation leave to cover the amount of time he took off. He would have stomach cramps, couldn’t keep food in his system and couldn’t sleep. I hated seeing him like this but what I hated even more was him not doing anything about it. He didn't like going to doctor because he couldn't get an answer as to why he was sick.

I was getting increasingly frustrated because he was sick ALL THE TIME. I felt like I was doing all the chores and taking care of the baby and doing our church calling while working full time. I felt very alone. And I still do. Frequently the thought has crossed my mind that I was a single parent and that I would be better off on my own. I would blame my husband for my lack of interest in going to church, reading my scriptures or even saying my prayers and I felt that he was dragging me down. Marriage was supposed to be about being equally yoked and we are not. I am mentally, spiritually and physically exhausted. To be honest, I’m sick of hearing him say that he is tired or that his stomach hurts when I ask him how he’s doing. I just need to hear him saying that he’s doing okay and that he has energy to play with our daughter or help me around the house. We’ve had many conversations about how we felt as if we both are drowning and needed the other's help and support. We try harder again to work together as we figure out how to survive each day. I made a covenant with my husband when we got married. I will stick with him regardless of the trials we go through in this life because I promised him I would. And I know God will help me keep that promise.

I see little relief from my sisters at church or other friends and family. I hate going to church because I am so alone. No friends to lift and support me or my husband. No home teachers to give blessings of health or comfort. Few friends to pour my heart out to. Rarely is mental illness talked about because no one wants to admit they struggle with it even though it is so prevalent in our society. Frequently you see posts on Facebook and Instagram on what it's like to have anxiety and depression and how to be patient and sympathetic or empathetic for those that struggle with mental illness but there is absolutely nothing, no support group, no awareness video, nothing for those who live with those with these illnesses. We are just expected to figure out how to love, support, encourage, and heal our spouses and children as best we can with what information is out there about their illness. I have read Elder Holland's talk, Like a Broken Vessel, many times seeking help and understanding on what I can do for my husband.

Finally, my husband agreed to go to a mental health doctor. He had acknowledged and accepted that his illness was affecting his physical health, happiness, job performance, attendance and church attendance, his relationship with his daughter, my happiness and sanity, and our spirituality. I was so happy that he took that step and it was a big step to acknowledge that he needed help. After going to the doctor, I think that I expected him to be better and functional right away, but no, that’s not how this works. It’s still a journey and I still need to be patient and compassionate toward him as he gets better. I have to remind myself to not be a stumbling block for him as he works towards better health.

He constantly says he doesn't want people to treat him differently because of his illness but because he is physically sick, I have to. I'm sorry, you can't have it both ways. You can't be treated "normal" while being incapable of fulfilling basic household responsibilities. He’s ashamed of his illness and still struggles with letting people know, especially his family. One of the things that's angered me on this mental illness journey is that his parents saw him struggle as a child and teenager and did nothing to help. But when you are the source of your child's anxiety I can understand why the child wouldn't want to talk to you about it. As a parent myself, I don't understand how you can see your child struggle and not do anything about it. He did tell his dad recently, who had felt spiritual promptings that something was going on with him. He received a father’s blessing and was told to serve others and he has sought out those opportunities.

I remember one day (of many) that I was angry at him. When we wake up in the morning I always ask how he is and he always responds with “Tired.” He decided to stay home and I got madder throughout the day. Typically, when he stays home no chores are done. He would rest and play video games and watch TV. Knowing that I would come home to a dirty house with a list of chores to do, dinner to make and a needy toddler (and husband) while still finding time to train for a 5K, I wasn’t happy. So, my anger grew and tears were near the surface when I came home. I was shocked to find a clean kitchen and him cleaning the bathroom. He explained that he was mad at me for not being compassionate, patient and understanding but as he was reading his scriptures that morning he read about charity and thought back to his father’s blessing and realized that he needed to serve me. There are moments that help me know that God is helping us out through this veil of tears and this was one of them.

My husband’s been on medication for 2 months now. He still isn't 100% better but he is getting there. I honestly believe he will never be at 100% but I will help him get as healthy and functional as he can be. I will never understand what my husband goes through, but what I go through is something else entirely. I have had to give up on my dream of being a stay at home mom, of having a "normal" marriage. I have had to learn to communicate better with him what I need and learn what he is capable of giving. I have had to adjust my expectations of what he is able to do and what I can reasonably ask him to accomplish around the house. Our conversations are frequently filled with tears, love and apologizes as we try to figure out how to help each other and live with this different aspect of our lives.

I can't do this by myself. I can't. I have drifted away from my Father in Heaven because I am so exhausted. Reaching for Him is just one more task I have to do in my day. I am trying to do better but I fail more often than not. Mental illness doesn't just affect those that have it. It affects all those around them. It is an invisible disease that will destroy unless you rely on Heavenly Father, family, friends and professional help. There are those that struggle more than my husband and I, and I feel for them. All our struggles are different, but the same. But we should all pull together, mentally ill and loved ones, as a family. We all need help.