When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Audrey

I am beyond blessed to be able to call Audrey "sister." She is the one who inspired me to start this blog series after we had a long, deep phone call one afternoon. Her example of faith and strength have been a huge help to me many times in my short time of knowing her.
Audrey is a 30 year old wife and mother of two living in southern Delaware. Being a young mother of an active two year old in 2012, Audrey never expected to be able to empathize with the many couples around her struggling with infertility. After she and her husband went through a three and a half year period of secondary infertility, they were surprised to discover they were expecting their second son, who came in August of 2016. She is currently a stay at home mom to their two boys, ages six and one. She enjoys music, travel, reading, exercising, hiking in the mountains, boating, Polynesian culture, American history, the beach, all kinds of carbs, and serving in her current calling on her stake's public affairs committee. She has a Bachelor's Degree in Communications with an emphasis in Public Relations from Brigham Young University.

Who cries simultaneous tears of joy, grief, and sadness when they go to Disney World? This basket case mom right here! It was the last night of a mostly-perfect Disney experience with our four year old son, shared with his grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin. We had just closed the park with the light parade and castle firework show. During all the epic lights and music, I was definitely caught up in the Disney spirit, fully drinking the company Kool-aid. We had saved for a long time to be able to take our son to Disney and this seemed like the perfect wrap-up to a preschooler's most magical dream vacation. As I watched the show, I found myself being filled with a sense of peace, contentment, and gratitude that because we only had one child at this stage in our lives, we had been able to make this experience happen.

As quickly and intensely as I felt those peaceful feelings, however, I instantly felt the guilt come crashing back in. Again. “How can you possibly be happy that you only have one child?! You're not supposed to be happy about this! You're supposed to be sad! You should be wanting another child more than you want an extravagant vacation! Your priorities are messed up!” I told myself over and over, and then again told my husband through my tears in the bathroom of our hotel as we were getting ready for bed that night. He lovingly and patiently reminded me of what I was trying so hard to remember—that we WOULD rather have a baby than a Disney vacation; that if given the choice, I would be so happy to stay home in sweatpants with sticky toddlers and babies in diapers. But that wasn't how life was working out for us, and enjoying the life we had with the family we had in the circumstances we had was not wrong or sinful. Basically, he said, it was OKAY to feel grateful for my blessings, to enjoy the moment, and to be happy we had one child. He told me—again—I could let the guilt go. I hugged him tightly, lifted my chin and gave my best attempt at a smile, turned off my tears, and enjoyed the rest of our vacation.

Hard Emotions
But why did I keep doing that—praying for contentment and then feeling guilty the moment I found it? It was a common cycle in my thought process. We had been trying to have a baby for almost three years at that point. I had been through the emotional roller coaster several times and in lots of variations. I had felt lots of painful emotions time and again: Frustration. Impatience. Jealousy. Guilt. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Fear. Exhaustion. Apathy. Heartache. Forgotten. Fault. Confusion. More jealousy. More guilt. These feelings didn't usually come all at once, and they didn't often stay very long. It would be a pinprick here and there. Some moments were harder than others. Only a couple of times did it feel like a full body slam. The pain was there, but throughout our secondary infertility journey, I learned several lessons that made the time sacred to me, time that my husband and I wouldn't trade now at all.

Not even knowing what's wrong
Our reason for secondary infertility was “undetermined.” It was so confusing, especially because we already had a child who had come to us quickly and without any problems. To quickly sum up our medical history, we had initially done some generic tests after about a year and a half of trying, which all came back normal. My doctor had immediately coded it as “infertility,” however, so our insurance wouldn't cover the tests. We ended up paying the $2,000 we had saved for the birth of another baby just to pay for these preliminary tests telling us basically nothing—that they couldn't find any surface-level problems. That quickly opened our eyes to the reality we were now facing—that infertility treatments are VERY expensive. We prayerfully turned to the Lord for direction, and the answer we received was to “Wait.”

Wait
So we did. We waited and waited. Secondary infertility is hard in unique ways though—one of the biggest being that you feel like there is constant pressure from a ticking clock—that every month you're not pregnant is one month farther apart your kids will be spaced from each other.

The what-if's creep in: What if they're too far apart that they're not friends? What if my little boy never even gets a sibling? What if there's actually something seriously wrong with me but we're not taking the actions we need to be taking, which will make things worse in the long run?

I prayed daily for help overcoming all these stressful what-if's and to know the Lord's plan for us. Each time I sincerely and faithfully connected to the Holy Ghost, pleading to the Lord for understanding, I felt the same gentle, loving answer: “Wait.” It was always accompanied with peace, which gave me the faith and patience to relax and keep living.

Needing to be needed
I continued to periodically feel stress, anxiety, and fear, especially early on; however, as time continued to pass, I gradually began to notice my prayers changing. Instead of praying that we'd be able to have another baby, I began to pray to know how to best move forward with our family and to learn how to be happy now.

It was during this time that I was (very) unexpectedly called to be our stake Young Women president. That's an uncommon calling for someone of my age (I was 26) and inexperience. But the Lord knew I needed to serve as I was going through this trial of not having another baby on my time frame. He knew I needed purpose, identity, direction, friends, focus, faith, and to see miracles unfolding in my life as I learned to recognize His hand in all the areas where I would be inadequate on my own. I needed to be humbled and lifted at the same time. That calling certainly gave me that. Having that opportunity to serve in my life was evidence to me that the Lord doesn't leave us comfortless in our trials. I don't know that I helped anyone else at all during the three years I served, but I was certainly put in a place where I stood on the shoulders of giants. I learned essential principles and truths necessary for my personal conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I had foundational experiences needed for my lifetime of service in His church. I'm so grateful for the time I had to learn and grow in that calling, and my family was constantly blessed during that period. I'm convinced it wouldn't have happened the way that it did if I had had more young children at home.  

The Power of Prayer and a Unified Fast
As the clock kept ticking, I continued to find more evidence of the Lord's love for me in my life. I was busy, contributing, and loving the stage of life my four year old was in. I was reaching a point where I was truly content. (Aside from an occasional moment of grief, like when I'd think of my child really never having a sibling.) It seemed like the longer we waited, the happier we learned to be in our circumstances. We'd pray to know how and when to change our direction for our family, but no immediate or earth shattering inspiration was coming. I was coming to accept that this was our life and we could truly be happy in it.

But as time progressed and I felt more peace, I was surprised to find our trial becoming more of a trial of faith and patience on our loved ones, especially our parents. We weren't very public with our struggle, but our family members knew our desires and our heartaches, and they mourned with us. Looking back over that 3+ year time period, there were times when I KNEW without a doubt that I was feeling peace, contentment, and gratitude because of the prayers of others. I knew our families were praying for us, our parents were putting our names on the temple prayer roll, and I could feel those prayers distinctly. Although I tried to keep most of what we were going through private, I knew this trial wasn't mine alone to bear—I could feel my family members on both sides of the veil lifting me and lightening my burden of grief.

Part way through 2015, we finally felt like it was time revisit the idea of getting medical help. We found a new doctor who was awesome and had actually gone through IVF herself a couple years before. She started me on Clomid, which is a pretty common starting point for working with infertility. I had a lot of fear about being on medication (I never even take Tylenol or Ibuprofen—I will just suffer through anything other than childbirth), but I took a leap of faith and we began the rounds. Although we knew it was just the first step, when we reached our last round (out of six), it was hard not to feel discouraged. It looked like we would be needing more specialized help than what our OB/GYN could give us.

It was in that moment that I realized I needed to humble myself and truly ask for help. I know why some people choose to keep their fertility struggles private because we were that same way ourselves. But we had a big decision to make—do we keep waiting? Do we go down the road of science? We'd never felt right about adoption, but was it time to start looking into that? Was one child all we were meant to have? I suddenly felt like we needed to ask our parents and siblings to hold a special fast for us as part of the next Fast Sunday. It was HARD to ask for that though. If my child was dying in a hospital, I wouldn't hesitate to ask for everyone in the world to fast for us, so why was this so hard? I can sum it up into one word: pride. My husband and I pride ourselves on being independent and not asking for things from anyone that we don't really need. It's both a strength and a weakness.  As I was battling with this thought, the voice of a good friend in my ward came to my mind. She and her husband are both converts to the church and have zero family support in religious matters. She's said many times that she feels it's the two of them against the world. I could hear her telling me, “If you have access to that much faith, why WOULDN'T you use it?!” I suddenly felt overwhelmed with gratitude for the spiritual strength of each of my family members, and a responsibility to call on their faith in behalf of all those incredible people out there who wished they had that in their own families. I knew that if the tables were turned, I would gladly exercise all the faith I could muster for my loved ones, so I knew I needed to give them the opportunity to exercise theirs for me.

The plea in our fast was not that we would “get pregnant.” We simply asked that as we were approaching this crossroad that we would be blessed with the Spirit to know how to move forward. We no longer felt like it was time to “Wait.” All throughout that Fast Sunday, I didn't get any specific answers, but I felt SO. MUCH. PEACE. I felt as if I were floating through the day and the coming weeks. I knew the Lord knew me, loved me, cared about our family, and though He might not give us all the answers at once, He would through the Spirit be giving us enough to hold on to so we could move forward in faith. And I knew we could do it, whatever “it” ended up being. After a couple weeks, we prayerfully made a decision.

Moving Forward
On January 18, 2016, I had two doctor appointments scheduled, but could only make it to one. The first was a consultation at a fertility clinic in Annapolis to start the long process of determining the best way to scientifically help bring another baby into our family. After the many years of waiting, we were apprehensive about that consultation but happy that we finally felt good about having a direction to move forward in.

I had to eventually call and cancel that appointment though, after I made one for the same day at the OB/GYN's office for an ultrasound to see our seven week fetus on the screen for the first time. I was basically in denial up until that point that we were actually pregnant, and when I saw the little flutter of his heartbeat on the screen, my head didn't know what to think, my heart didn't know what to feel. We had no idea how this miracle had happened without more scientific help. In fact, I spent the first 20+ weeks of my pregnancy in some degree of shock and disbelief.  As he continued to grow and move inside me though, I settled into the idea of having another member of our family come to us. I kept learning to exercise my faith over fear, choosing to believe that he would be taken care of, and would arrive healthy and safely.

Lessons Learned
There are far too many to list in detail, but I'm grateful for the chance to reflect on all the lessons I learned over those three and a half years of this trial: of faith in the Lord and His timing, patience, endurance, long suffering, contentment, gratitude, compassion, letting go of guilt, overcoming jealousy, the “But if not” principle, the reality of our Savior's Atonement, empathy, strengthening my partnership with my husband, the power of a unified fast, being satisfied with being given doses of “daily bread” to get me through a moment at a time, and a whole stinkin' lot of humility. I learned those lessons many times over, long before I ever saw that second pink line. All of them led me back to the same core place—Jesus Christ.

The answer is Jesus Christ and His Atonement
Ours isn't the journey I would have picked for us starting out, but now I wouldn't trade it or give it back for anything. And what I'm amazed at is that I came to feel that way BEFORE this precious little boy came to us. He wasn't the solution to my heartache—the Atonement of Jesus Christ was. I learned how to trust in the Savior to give me strength in the moments I needed it, to take a leap of faith without seeing the end in sight, to know that someone truly understood my heartache and sorrow, and to believe that my life could be more beautiful by trusting in God than it would be by relying on my own limited vision and control. I finally reached a place where I knew that if we weren't ever supposed to have another baby, we would be okay. I finally learned how to be happy BEFORE this little boy came, which makes my joy now that he's here truly full. Both of our boys (born 5.5 years apart) are complete miracles in our lives and both came exactly when we—when I—needed them most. God is so good and my heart is so full. My cup runneth over today and always.

Feature Friday: Aly

I met Aly at a dinner event with Munchin' with Moguls. She made a comment about her job and blog and so after the dinner was over I asked her if she'd be willing to share her story here, and she said yes! Her blog and Instagram account are amazing. She radiates beauty, on the inside and the outside. Plus she seems perfect for the job she has, she goes in to more detail below.
Aly is a 23 year old Brigham Young University graduate who currently lives in Salt Lake City, Utah. She enjoys cooking, traveling, spending time with family and friends, and being adventurous. She works as a Recreational Therapist and is also the creator of Build Your Beautiful-- a blog focused on self-love and holistic health.

Hi! My name is Aly. I'm a health fanatic, a recreational therapist, and a blogger.

My three titles have something in common. I became these three things after a difficult challenge I faced in high school. I'll get into the details here in just a moment.

First and foremost, I'll tell you about therapeutic recreation. Therapeutic recreation is a holistic process that uses recreation and leisure of all different kinds to bring about a positive change, emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, and socially in an effort to maintain and improve quality of life. I currently work with children and teens ages 6-18 in a behavioral health facility. Most of the patients I work with suffer from anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, chemical dependency, or intermittent explosive disorder. Although these are the most common diagnoses, I do work with patients who have other challenges as well.

As a recreational therapist, I facilitate group therapy sessions to teach patients skills they can use to improve their lives. For instance, sometimes I do activities based on social skills to teach my patients how to interact appropriately with others. Sometimes I do activities involving physical sports to teach patients appropriate ways to use their leisure time. Other times I do activities based on mindfulness to help patients recognize their personal feelings and emotions.

I love my job and feel so blessed to do something that has the potential to literally change the lives of others. I decided to become a recreational therapist after I used therapy and recreational activities to help me through one of the most challenging times of my life. This is where the "health fanatic" and "blogger" titles come into play.

My story goes like this:

After a difficult experience in high school I began to see myself as everything I was not instead of everything I was. At the time, I thought “I should do something about my challenge… something to make me feel better about myself.”

This “something” turned into eating healthier, exercising more, and focusing on myself. Seems great, right? It was great until it went too far and I became obsessed with accomplishing those goals. It all went downhill from there.

My obsession turned into an eating disorder. I suffered from anorexia nervosa for years.

What most people don’t understand about an eating disorder is that the disorder is about so much morethan just food. Yes, the disorder manifests itself through food, but it’s not like someone can just start eating more and POOF they’re all better. I only wish it were that easy.

I suffered physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Some of these consequences are completely out of my control and may haunt me forever. I had an extremely low self-esteem, I had a disturbed body-image, and I was constantly self-conscious. I isolated myself from the world, I felt undeserving of love and acceptance, and I completely rejected myself. I was irritable, anxious, and terribly confused.

I used to prove my worth by the amount of food I ate and the number of calories I burned. I used to prove my worth by my jean size and the number on the scale. I’m here to tell you something I wished someone had told me long ago… those numbers DO NOT reflect your worth!

Abandon the bull crap you’ve been brainwashed to believe about perfection and beauty. Thick eyebrows and a thigh gap cannot buy the freedom that comes when you embrace who you are and your own imperfect journey.

Those strong legs allow you to run, jump, carry heavy things, and explore the world. Those freckles on your skin came from your grandma who also gave you your bright eyes and zest for life. Those intense emotions you feel allow you to connect with other individuals and show how powerful experiences can be.

You can focus on what the world thinks of you, or you can focus on what YOU think of you. The percentage of your time you spend worrying about what the world thinks of you is time wasted. The way you feel about yourself is what matters most.

Though I have come a long way, those unhealthy habits and tendencies haven’t completely vanished. I still feel obligated to check nutritional information on everything I eat; I still feel guilty sometimes when I eat because I’m hungry instead of at my “scheduled” times; I still feel self-conscious some days when I look in the mirror. Though these things are not innately negative, they can become negative if they are taken too far. I’m working to find that balance in my everyday life.

As a society, we rarely talk about the things that hold us back from becoming the person we want to be. The person I constantly strive to be is someone who is kind, loving, generous, healthy, energetic, and joyful. Keeping my challenge bottled up inside of me helps absolutely no one. It doesn’t help me obtain these desired attributes and it certainly doesn’t help anyone else fight through similar battles to become who they want to be.

It has taken me YEARS to get to the point I’m at now. Looking back, I can honestly say I’m glad I’ve had this experience. I’ve met so many wonderful and inspiring individuals through my struggle. I’ve found who I am and who I want to be. I’ve grown stronger and more confident. I’ve learned how to listen to my body and address my personal needs in a healthy way. I’ve learned how to express myself in positive ways; this blog is one of those ways.

The reason I created my blog, Build Your Beautiful, is to encourage others who have a negative view of themselves to have a more positive self-esteem. I know some of you may feel like that goal is impossible, but I’m living proof it is possible. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, reach out to someone you can trust. I’m always willing to talk to anyone who reaches out to me! Transparency is what has helped me the most through my journey. The moment I started sharing my story, three years ago, is the moment I started making progress.

I know that we each have been given unique gifts in this life. I know that we often face challenges to help us recognize those gifts. While challenges are not easy and trials are not fun, we can learn and grow an extraordinary amount through these processes. One of my biggest challenges has also become one of my biggest blessings. Trust in your own process and be patient with yourself. Sometimes those painful experiences teach us things we never thought we would need to know.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Emily

Emily shared this on my friend Aumberly's instagram, @trekthruconference, and she asked if Emily would be alright with me sharing it here. Obviously she said yes so here we are! 

I seriously admire her and the hardships she has gone through because her husband deals with depression. A little while ago I wrote a post about how mental illnesses are tough on everyone and one of the three people I mentioned was someone who lives with someone with an illness. I couldn't fully comprehend what that meant, and tried my best to write about it, and so I am extremely grateful Emily has opened up about this and is willing to share. Read on for some enlightenment.

Growing up, I didn't expect to have the perfect marriage but I did have an idea of what I wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom, my husband to have a regular 9-5, a nice little house suited for our needs and a backyard for the kids. I anticipate 4 kids or more because being Mormon means having a large family. I expected the normal trials of marriage and adulthood: finances, busy schedule with church callings, kid’s sports and extracurricular activities, friends and family gatherings and so on. Even though this picture-perfect life isn't what I have now, what I never, ever thought would be a trial of mine was mental illness. And the mental illness isn't even mine, it's my husband's.

Ever since he was a kid he's struggled with anxiety and depression. I don't comprehend what it's like to have these illnesses. I mean, I get nervous when I have a presentation but I don't understand what it's like to live in a constant state of fear and stress, to struggle getting out of bed in the morning after getting a few hours of restless sleep, to not have energy to do even the most basic tasks. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.

Our first two years of marriage were fine. I didn't see him struggle even though he probably was. The next 3 years he got increasingly sick. Eventually he was missing a day of work every other week. I thought that he was going to get fired because there was no way he had enough sick/vacation leave to cover the amount of time he took off. He would have stomach cramps, couldn’t keep food in his system and couldn’t sleep. I hated seeing him like this but what I hated even more was him not doing anything about it. He didn't like going to doctor because he couldn't get an answer as to why he was sick.

I was getting increasingly frustrated because he was sick ALL THE TIME. I felt like I was doing all the chores and taking care of the baby and doing our church calling while working full time. I felt very alone. And I still do. Frequently the thought has crossed my mind that I was a single parent and that I would be better off on my own. I would blame my husband for my lack of interest in going to church, reading my scriptures or even saying my prayers and I felt that he was dragging me down. Marriage was supposed to be about being equally yoked and we are not. I am mentally, spiritually and physically exhausted. To be honest, I’m sick of hearing him say that he is tired or that his stomach hurts when I ask him how he’s doing. I just need to hear him saying that he’s doing okay and that he has energy to play with our daughter or help me around the house. We’ve had many conversations about how we felt as if we both are drowning and needed the other's help and support. We try harder again to work together as we figure out how to survive each day. I made a covenant with my husband when we got married. I will stick with him regardless of the trials we go through in this life because I promised him I would. And I know God will help me keep that promise.

I see little relief from my sisters at church or other friends and family. I hate going to church because I am so alone. No friends to lift and support me or my husband. No home teachers to give blessings of health or comfort. Few friends to pour my heart out to. Rarely is mental illness talked about because no one wants to admit they struggle with it even though it is so prevalent in our society. Frequently you see posts on Facebook and Instagram on what it's like to have anxiety and depression and how to be patient and sympathetic or empathetic for those that struggle with mental illness but there is absolutely nothing, no support group, no awareness video, nothing for those who live with those with these illnesses. We are just expected to figure out how to love, support, encourage, and heal our spouses and children as best we can with what information is out there about their illness. I have read Elder Holland's talk, Like a Broken Vessel, many times seeking help and understanding on what I can do for my husband.

Finally, my husband agreed to go to a mental health doctor. He had acknowledged and accepted that his illness was affecting his physical health, happiness, job performance, attendance and church attendance, his relationship with his daughter, my happiness and sanity, and our spirituality. I was so happy that he took that step and it was a big step to acknowledge that he needed help. After going to the doctor, I think that I expected him to be better and functional right away, but no, that’s not how this works. It’s still a journey and I still need to be patient and compassionate toward him as he gets better. I have to remind myself to not be a stumbling block for him as he works towards better health.

He constantly says he doesn't want people to treat him differently because of his illness but because he is physically sick, I have to. I'm sorry, you can't have it both ways. You can't be treated "normal" while being incapable of fulfilling basic household responsibilities. He’s ashamed of his illness and still struggles with letting people know, especially his family. One of the things that's angered me on this mental illness journey is that his parents saw him struggle as a child and teenager and did nothing to help. But when you are the source of your child's anxiety I can understand why the child wouldn't want to talk to you about it. As a parent myself, I don't understand how you can see your child struggle and not do anything about it. He did tell his dad recently, who had felt spiritual promptings that something was going on with him. He received a father’s blessing and was told to serve others and he has sought out those opportunities.

I remember one day (of many) that I was angry at him. When we wake up in the morning I always ask how he is and he always responds with “Tired.” He decided to stay home and I got madder throughout the day. Typically, when he stays home no chores are done. He would rest and play video games and watch TV. Knowing that I would come home to a dirty house with a list of chores to do, dinner to make and a needy toddler (and husband) while still finding time to train for a 5K, I wasn’t happy. So, my anger grew and tears were near the surface when I came home. I was shocked to find a clean kitchen and him cleaning the bathroom. He explained that he was mad at me for not being compassionate, patient and understanding but as he was reading his scriptures that morning he read about charity and thought back to his father’s blessing and realized that he needed to serve me. There are moments that help me know that God is helping us out through this veil of tears and this was one of them.

My husband’s been on medication for 2 months now. He still isn't 100% better but he is getting there. I honestly believe he will never be at 100% but I will help him get as healthy and functional as he can be. I will never understand what my husband goes through, but what I go through is something else entirely. I have had to give up on my dream of being a stay at home mom, of having a "normal" marriage. I have had to learn to communicate better with him what I need and learn what he is capable of giving. I have had to adjust my expectations of what he is able to do and what I can reasonably ask him to accomplish around the house. Our conversations are frequently filled with tears, love and apologizes as we try to figure out how to help each other and live with this different aspect of our lives.

I can't do this by myself. I can't. I have drifted away from my Father in Heaven because I am so exhausted. Reaching for Him is just one more task I have to do in my day. I am trying to do better but I fail more often than not. Mental illness doesn't just affect those that have it. It affects all those around them. It is an invisible disease that will destroy unless you rely on Heavenly Father, family, friends and professional help. There are those that struggle more than my husband and I, and I feel for them. All our struggles are different, but the same. But we should all pull together, mentally ill and loved ones, as a family. We all need help.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Jessica

I asked my sweet friend, Aumberly, if she knew of or had encountered anyone who would be willing to write for this new series through her @trekthruconference Instagram account. She told me about her dear mission companion, Jessica, who she thought would be willing to write about being single. I am always so relieved when these kind souls say yes because sometimes I feel a little awkward asking them to write about something that may be hard or that you don't want to be known for (i.e. the girl who got divorced, or came home early from her mission, or is "still" single). But Jessica's story opened my eyes and touched my heart. I hope it will do the same for others.
Jessica's nieces and nephew call her Jessie, her siblings call her KaKa, and her cousin calls her Jessa. She loves the Lawrence Welk show, wishes life were a musical, and believes that blowing bubbles makes any day better.  She has a box of kinetic sand on her desk at work, is an audiobook junkie and roadtrip enthusiast, and she could eat avocados for every meal! She grew up in Utah/Florida/Idaho, graduated from Utah State University, served in the Arizona Mesa Mission and Temple Visitors’ Center, and just started her Masters.

All the Single Ladies

Once, while introducing our family at a family reunion, my mother said of me: “This is Jessica, she’s still single.”  And that is exactly why I was asked to write this post- yup, I'm still single. Please don’t ask me, “Why aren’t you married?!” I have no idea how to begin to answer that. But, I am working on it and I do say yes to all blind dates. My philosophy: it will either be a good date or a good story. I have a few too many in the “good story” column, and not enough in the “good date” column.

My life certainly hasn’t turned out the way I planned.

Welcome to the club, right?  Whose life has gone as planned?

Mortality, it’s a blast.

And sometimes it hurts.

All I have ever wanted to be when I “grew up” is a wife and mom.  No hesitation. None. Ever. It’s still what I want to be when I grow up. (30 isn’t grown up yet, right?!)

In choosing a major in college I felt prompted to choose something that would give me a way to strengthen home and family (My view: I was never going to make it through college single, and was going to be a stay-at-home mom, btw.  I never really wanted a career outside of the home.).  Looking back, I can see the Lord guiding me to something that would help fill a piece of that aching hole in my heart to be a wife and a mother that would go unfulfilled for a time.  After 4 years of working in Early Intervention and getting to spend time in peoples’ homes with their families (which I loved), I felt the need to do something new.  Towards the end of my mission I had been invited to take the preservice class for seminary teachers when I got home.  It hadn’t been the right thing at the time I got home, but I ended up taking it later, student teaching, and somehow getting hired.  I knew it was something I wanted to do when I couldn’t get a line from the objective statement out of my head, or my heart:  “Our efforts assist parents in their responsibility to strengthen their families.”

While having this purpose in my career has helped, it doesn’t fill the entire hole.  I cry.  I weep.  I sit in the bottom of a dark shower in the fetal position.  And I spend some good time on my knees communing with Heaven. I also laugh, and love, and have adventures. I grow. I change. I get to take naps whenever I want and spend my money how I want. I learn to rely on my Savior. And really, that’s what mortality is all about.

I remember Elder Bednar talking about advice given by President Eyring to college students whose lives weren’t going as planned- single, divorced, infertility, etc. He said something along the lines of “I don’t know all the answers. But, I do know that whatever happens to us in mortality is calculated to prepare us to live in families for eternity.” While, yes I already knew that, the way he said it hit my heart. That has been a game changer for me. I’ve had to cling to that eternal and beautiful truth in my some of my single’s life experiences. I’ll share a few of those with you.

• My first year of teaching seminary I struggled with frequent and intense migraines. I had always had migraines growing up, but this was something new! And something terrible. I missed so much work and was so stressed about missing work. All of the time in my dark room, by myself, feeling like a failure at life, left me in a not-so-good place emotionally and mentally. My roommates were awesome gals. But they had their own lives to live. Not living near family, meant that I had little support. No one was really there to help me out, pick up my slack, or make sure I was ok. I wasn’t able to function well- I wasn’t eating well, if at all, my room was a disaster area, and I had no social life. It was me, a Dr. Pepper, and my dark room for far too much time. I remember thinking frequently that being single and on my own was making this trial a lot harder. How was I going to do this on my own?  This was not how my life was supposed to be. I wasn’t (and no one is) meant to be alone- it’s taught in the first couple of chapters in the Bible. It’s pretty basic, come on.

• As an “older” single, I’ve gleefully watched so many friends fall in love, get married, start families.  As happy as I am for them, I’ll admit it’s hard being left behind. You make a great friend, only to have them move on- whether because of marriage, school or a job. And even though some still keep in touch and you see them occasionally, it just isn’t the same. This means though, that about every 6 months or so, you’re back to square one with meeting and making new friends. It’s exhausting! It’s terrifying having to be so vulnerable so often, with little to show. I’ve told my sister more than once, “I’m tired of making new friends.” There can be little stability in the single life.

• Because of some things that happened on my mission, I’ve struggled with PTSD and Anxiety. This, like my migraines, has been a difficult thing to do on my own. As a single person, it has been difficult to build a support system, a safe place. My mom is an absolute angel and when things were particularly rough, she was driving down from Boise at least once a month to hang out with me and help me out. There were times when I just wanted to pack everything up and move home with my parents- how could I do this on my own?!

• As a single member of a family ward (I kicked myself out of the YSA ward at 28), I’m in a different place in my life than many of the women in the ward. I don’t have kids that play with their kids. I don’t have a spouse that gets along with their spouse. So much of the social life in a family ward is connected with spouses and children. Play dates, group dates, family parties and dinners. While everyone has always been nice, it can be hard to find your place in a family ward as a single member. (If you have single people in your ward, invite them over for family dinner or FHE, invite them to sit with your family at church. At least for me, that would be awesome!)

While being single has been my story, and may continue to be for longer than I would choose, I’m ok and I have learned so much. My testimony of eternal families is etched deep into my heart. I know it is Heavenly Father’s plan for me, for all of us. The promises of the covenants made in the temple calm my soul. I am never more at peace or more trusting of my Heavenly Father than when I am participating in the ordinances of the temple. I’ve found healing and hope there. An eternal perspective changes everything. As President Nelson said, “My dear brothers and sisters, the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.” (October 2016)

I have learned to take charge of my own life and happiness. I’ve had to learn to go to movies and restaurants by myself and to take solo vacations. I have found purpose in finding other ways to strengthen home and family:  work, volunteering, church callings in my family ward, being an aunt and a sister and a daughter and a friend. The aching hole will still be there, and I’m ok with that. Because that means I still desire to be a wife and a mother. My Heavenly Parents are very aware of that desire, they weep with me and comfort me, and cheer me on in what I am doing in my life.

Elder Christofferson:  “With confidence we testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ has anticipated and, in the end, will compensate all deprivation and loss for those who turn to Him. No one is predestined to receive less than all that the Father has for His children.” (April 2015) 

Elder Wirthlin:  “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” (October 2008)

In summary, mortality is hard, for everyone. And it’s supposed to be. To quote HSM:  “We’re all in this together!” We are all members of the “I didn’t sign up for this” club or the “this isn’t what I wanted” club. And that’s exactly why we have a Savior.  He will make everything ok. This mortal life isn’t all there is. We have Heavenly Parents who love us and are involved in the details of our lives. One day, I will be a wife and a mother. And that will be a glorious day. And today is a glorious day, too.

Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8 … know thou, my (daughter), that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.  The Son of Man hath descended below them all.  Art thou greater than he?

Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren (and sisters), let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Bre

I have known Bre since we were little kids - she and my sister were pretty good friends growing up, and we were in the same ward. I have always admired her beauty, inside and out, and think she looks a little like Olivia Newton John ha. Since this series is a little different than my "Feature Fridays" I was a little hesitant to ask her if she'd be willing to write about her divorce, but she is an angel and told me that she had been thinking about asking if she could write something. The Spirit works in wondrous ways! Throughout her divorce she would post and share amazing, deep, beautiful insights to life and I was blown away by her love and wisdom. You're going to want to keep reading for her story.
Bre is 24 years and currently trying to find a way to pack up everything she owns and haul it across the country to Massachusetts (which was now few weeks ago). She eats more junk food than real food, spends most nights watching Parks and Rec, and spends every other free minute painting. She got married when she was 21 but was divorced 2 years later. She was engaged to the man of her dreams just 5 months after her divorce was finalized. "I know, I know, totally insane and completely stupid. But who cares?" She's now been married to her best friend for 6 months and she's seriously the most blessed girl in the world because of it. All of it. The ups and the downs and the great and the hard.

I didn’t always feel this way. When my marriage was coming to an end I was completely devastated. I was more hurt than I knew was possible. My whole world was crashing and burning right in front of my eyes and I didn’t know how to stop it. But mostly I was confused. Why? Why is this happening? Why do I have to go through all this pain and heartache? Why wasn’t my marriage working? I obviously wasn’t perfect, I had made mistakes and done things to make things harder. But I truly had a desire to make things work. I didn’t WANT to get divorced. I didn’t WANT to give up on a commitment that was supposed to be eternal. Yet it seemed like every effort I made to try to mend the relationship and save our marriage made things worse and pushed us towards divorce. The more I prayed about it, the more I fasted, the more conference talks I read, the more time I spent in the temple, the more time I spent trying, the clearer it became that my marriage wasn’t going to work. But even after coming to terms with the fact that my marriage was ending and seeing that become a reality, I was still left with the hardest question: why?

This question consumed my mind for months and months after I filed for divorce. It just didn’t make sense to me. Wasn’t staying married the right thing to do? Isn’t it a good thing to do? The righteous thing to do? Wasn’t that what I had been taught to do? So why? Why why why? And how? How was I ever going to get through this? How would I ever feel normal again? How would I be able to hand all the questions or the stares? How would I ever date or even trust someone ever again?! (Dramatic, huh?) Slowly, but surely, I learned. Prayers, fasting, priesthood blessings, meeting with my bishop and seeing a counselor were things that helped me to understand the why.

I learned that God has an amazing plan for each of us. He knows us by name and knows our hearts. In fact, there is no one who knows us better than He does. And most importantly, He wants us to be happy. He doesn’t let us go through trials and hard things to make us miserable, there is always divine reason for our hardships.

Sometimes, when we don’t get what we so badly desire, we learn later that Heavenly Father was just waiting to give us something much, much better. Amidst all the drama and confusion of my divorce I thought every now and then that my life was over. I would always be seen as the “divorced girl” and I would never love or be loved again. (A few months of counseling helped me to see that was totally wrong, but those feelings were so real). I thought my fairy tale was ruined. But lo and behold I was wrong! Heavenly Father had something in store for me and it was way better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. I met Jarron and I was scared to death to be in a relationship. So I did my best to keep things as casual as possible while not completely shutting him out. And as we became closer friends I learned that Jarron had been in a bad relationship much like the one I was in. Our experiences helped us to bond in a way I’ve never had before and for some reason I was able to completely trust him. I knew it was the real deal when he stuck around even after I wouldn’t let him kiss me. And now we’re married! I look at him and could seriously cry tears of joy every single day because of how beautiful and amazing our marriage is. Sometimes I wish I could tell broken Bre that someday she’d be with Jarron and she’d feel pure joy and all the hurt and all the hard would go away. I’d absolutely go through my greatest trial 20 more times if it meant I ended up with Jarron. That’s the amazing thing about God’s plan, He just knows what we need. God knows what He’s doing. And wanna know the coolest part? Now it’s almost as if all of the hard and all of the hurt didn’t even happen. Sure, I learned a ton and became lots stronger through it all, but it seems like all of the negative feelings I had never even existed. The Atonement is so so real and can perfectly heal our hearts.

And sometimes, we just need to go through hard things so we can help others along the way. Going through hard things give us an amazing ability to mourn with those that mourn. We learn how to be sympathetic for things that we wouldn’t otherwise care about. I had confirmation after confirmation that the experiences I had during my toxic marriage and divorce would somehow help someone, someday.  Just a few weeks ago my best friend was having struggles with a relationship and I shared with her some things that I learned from being in a toxic relationship. Her response, “don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you got divorced so you could help me.” Which was basically a dream come true for me. To know that the things I had gone through really could help someone was such a beautiful blessing! A lot of times we probably won’t know how we end up helping people, but we do! And isn’t that what it’s all about? To help others on their way?

Or maybe we aren’t granted the desires of our hearts to gain Christ-like attributes. I think the best way to learn humility, patience, long-suffering, can be through enduring a trial well. Jesus Christ suffered so much more than we can ever imagine, so when we experience suffering we catch a glimpse of what He went through for us. We can grow closer to Him and we can learn to rely on Him. For me, going through divorce strengthened my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior more than anything else I’ve gone through. I had to hit rock bottom to be able to rebuild a solid foundation on something that is constant and strong. Honestly, if that was the only thing I got from going through divorce I would still view it as a blessing. My relationship with my Savior is the most valuable thing I have.

Life can be hard. Trials are tough. Divorce or infertility or illness of any kind can be devastating. Sometimes these trials don’t make sense. Sometimes we feel like we’re doing everything we’re supposed to do and we STILL aren’t getting anywhere. Wanting to work on a healthy marriage is good. Wanting to have a children is good. Wanting to serve a mission is good. But sometimes these good things (and other good things) don’t happen for even the best of people. And a lot of times we don’t get an answer as to why, but I think we can always look around and see what we can learn and what we can become by enduring our trials well. All we can do is continue, keep going even when it’s hard, and do our very best. Rely on Christ and He will make up the difference. When things aren’t working out how you imagined please remember that Heavenly Father’s plan is much, much better, and His timing is perfect. God knows best and He will bless us in unimaginably wonderful ways. And I promise you that somehow, someway, everything will work out in the end.

Feature Friday: Joan

Joan and I have known each other since elementary school and played with each other in those years. Later, during high school, we worked at Cherry Hill together. She has always been a fun person to be around. When I came home from my mission I remember she sent me a message saying she was there if I needed to talk because she had come home early too. Back then I wasn't really ready to talk about it, but I was so grateful she was thinking of me and cared enough to let me know.
One thing I love about Joan's story is that she knew herself well enough to demand what was necessary to feel better. I don't think enough of us do that. It's ok to put yourself first sometimes and do what you need to take care of yourself!
Joan was born and raised in Kaysville, UT attended BYU Idaho where she got her degree in Public Relations. She uses her degree to fulfill the best and worst career she could possibly think of, motherhood. She is married to Tyler Brough and has two little spit fire girls. Life seems to be going by so fast Joan tries very hard to never blink as not to miss a thing. Keep on reading for her story.

From a young age I knew I never wanted to serve a mission. I was the one in Young Women’s who never raised their hand when asked who wanted to go on a mission. I knew what I wanted, and it was to get married. In college, I still held firm to the idea of never wanting to serve a mission. It’s not that I didn’t believe in the Gospel, or love God I just didn’t want to leave my family for 18 months.

After many failed attempts at serious dating, and two years into my degree, in the month of November 2011 I got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to go on a mission and all I could think was “oh no, no, no, no….I don’t want to.” I battled with God, but as usual God knows better than I do, in all things. I started my papers that weekend, and had them submitted by Christmas of that year.

In January 2012 I received my call, with family gathered around I opened my call and was devastated that I was called to Minneapolis, Minnesota. I pulled up my big girl pants and I packed my bags for the Provo, MTC the end of March 2012. From the very beginning I felt off, I remember I would write a family email and then write a “mom” email where I would tell my mom things didn’t feel right, but I pushed on.

I entered the mission field, and in my entrance interview with my mission president the only words I seemed to remember “I hope you brought good running shoes because you’ll be hitting the ground running in this area. It’s our busiest area in the mission.” That first transfer I killed off my trainer (she completed her mission and went home after six weeks) so I wasn’t fully trained and right after her, I got a companion who was, in my mission presidents words “a hard sister who needs love.” It was not what I was expecting.

I became so over worked and stressed my body started shutting down. I was becoming depressed and I wanted to go home. After several meetings with my mission president I would leave his office feeling more overwhelmed as his response was essentially “no you can’t go home, you need to batten down the hatch and forget yourself.” I tried that, but anyone who has experienced depression will know that it can make you numb to almost everything. During very spiritual lessons I would feel nothing. The desire to be out and see people whom I absolutely loved was gone. After months of going back and forth and my depression becoming worse I knew that the next transfer I was going to tell President C. I was going home. The Sunday before transfers I got a call from President C., who called me to be a trainer. I was heartbroken and felt completely trapped.

Being called as trainer could not have been more of a God send. All my companions before my trainee had some form of anxiety or depression. My trainee was ready to work and so happy to be out in the field. I finally felt that this was God saying, “I have found someone who can handle this area and the people you so dearly love and have worked for these past few months.”

Two weeks into the transfer I broke mission rules and called my Dad. I needed to talk to a man who was by no means emotional, and very calming in these situations. I was struggling with the idea of coming home early. I was so embarrassed and afraid of what people would think. I felt that if I came home early God would surely punish me and not bless me with a husband. (Irrational fears.) I called my dad and poured my heart out to him, his response was directly from my Father in Heaven. He said “Joan, I could never be disappointed in you, so no matter what you choose I will always love you…..” after a small pause he said “and Joan, God will always love you too, and He will always be there to bless you.”

That day I called the President and I said, “You’re sending me home on the next flight.” I went home that next Wednesday. My exit interview with my mission president made me feel small and like I was breaking covenants and that God was not pleased with my efforts. Thankfully when I was released from my mission, my Stake President told me “Sister Johnson, when people ask you if you’ve served you tell them you served a full mission. Time does not matter, all that matters is you went and served.”

The next Sunday I got asked all the stupid questions, “Why are you home early?”…. “Wait a minute, you’re not supposed to be home, are you?” I felt the only way to respond was to be honest. So my response was always “Yes, I’m home, I have been diagnosed with stress induced depression.” I even announced it over the pulpit, because even though it’s no one’s business, I felt people are too curious for their own good and this would maybe help them be a little more kind/cautious when asking questions to others who come home early.

Fast forward five years and who knew that coming home after only five months in the mission field I would meet my eternal companion in the sealing room of the wedding of my two high school friends. Only God knows what’s going to happen, and if I put all my trust in him, everything will work out. Even when the path flips, and curves in very uncomfortable ways the Gospel is always straight, God is always constant. We must always trust he knows better than us.