When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Mallory

I met Mallory at the Munchin' with Moguls dinner. We had a kind of Q & A panel there and I asked a question about what you'd say to someone who is the spouse of someone that has a mental illness and she raised her hand and said some things that moved me to tears, one of those being that you need to find someone who can be your safety net. That really resonated with me. She gave me her Instagram info and I sent her a message asking her to write this for the blog. 

Mallory comes from a family of 9 kids and loved growing up in a busy household full of laughter. She went to BYU and majored in English and minored in Anthropology. She's been married to her sweetheart Kory for almost 6 years. They have two beautiful kiddos - their son is almost 4 and their little girl is barely 2. She loves the mountains, a good cup of tea, and a great read. She loves to write and to sew, and has spent all her free time in the the last 5 months working on remodeling her first home. Together, she and Kory run a men's shoe company called Taft.

December will mark 6 years of marriage to my sweetheart, Kory. We met through a field-study to India. We both signed up to spend 4 months in the country researching, and met at a pre-departure class before we left. Meeting Kory sort of felt like being a magnet. The moment he walked into the room everything changed, and it really has never been the same since. I knew within weeks of knowing him that I would marry him.

Like every dating couple, Kory and I spent endless hours talking. We talked about our families, our aspirations, our hopes, our world views, our jobs, our majors, our friends, our favorite movies, our favorite music, our favorite food, our parenting philosophies, our thoughts on religion. Over time, I felt like we knew everything there was to know about each other. Somewhere in the mix of it all, Kory mentioned that he struggled with depression. I hardly even remember it, to be honest, because it was such a non-issue in my mind. I don’t remember my response but I’d imagine my thoughts were somewhere along the lines of  “we love each other so much, I hardly think that will ever be a problem.”

Despite seeing my fair share of loved ones struggle with mental illness, I knew very little about depression. Kory and I, obviously, went on to be married and I hardly gave his depression a passing thought. Over time, I started to notice his depression in subtle ways. Though I was well-intentioned, I really couldn’t grasp the depths of depression. It took years to find a groove. There were a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of misunderstandings on my part. It wasn’t until we had been married for 2 years, and we welcomed our first son into our life, that I began to understand Kory’s struggle. After the birth of our son I slipped into postpartum depression. I was totally blindsided by it, I’d lived my entire life very joyfully and optimistically, and I realized for the first time that depression wasn’t a sadness you could just snap out of.

It was a critical time for us, because while I meant well all along the way, before having our son I often found myself frustrated with Kory’s depression. It made me feel inadequate - I had this underlying belief that if I could just get it all right, Kory wouldn’t be depressed. I planned dates, made dinner, kept the house clean, and managed our lives in a way that I thought would alleviate Kory’s depression. Really, I was trying to have control over a situation that I truly had no power over. Over time I realized nothing I did helped and rather than turn to sympathy for Kory, I turned to frustration. All of that changed, though, when I experienced depression first hand. And while it only lasted the first few months of our son’s life, it was a poignant enough experience that it completely changed how I approached Kory’s depression. It really, in retrospect, was a huge turning point.

From that time on, I decided to approach Kory’s depression with nothing but love. I realized that for the first 2 years of our lives, I had tried to fit our marriage into a box of what I thought marriage should look like. The moment I realized our journey, our marriage, was ours alone, and didn’t have to look like anyone else’s, I felt so much freer. We always had a deep love for each other, but our relationship deepened as I showed more love and understanding and Kory, in turn, felt more confident confiding in me with even his deepest feelings. It became a cycle, where I loved unconditionally, and Kory shared openly. We grew immensely as a couple over the next few years as we navigated mental illness and several other heavy trials. I soon came to realize that marriage is just taking turns carrying each other.

I also realized the importance of being relentless in pursuing health. When Kory didn’t have the energy or the motivation, I made countless calls to doctors and therapists. We went to homeopathic healers, integrative medicine professionals, psychiatrists, chiropractors, family doctors, hormone specialists, concussion specialists, and more. Kory is inherently frugal and had no desire to spend money on his health and it dawned on me one day that we needed to take his depression as seriously  as we would take cancer. If Kory were diagnosed with cancer we would make any financial sacrifice necessary to make sure he’d have the care he needed. I knew in my heart that his depression could be just as deadly, and needed to be treated with as much caution and aggression. So we’ve attacked it aggressively. I read somewhere that there are 10 different factors that contribute to depression, and you have to have at least 3 of them to become clinically depressed. Reading through the list, Kory had 8+, and some of them were in our control, so we set to work making them non-issues. We’ve had a lot of breakthroughs along the way, and there are a lot of reasons to have hope. The brain has so much neuroplasiticity, it really can change and adjust and make new pathways, but it takes active effort. Treating mental illness takes active attention, focused energy, which, I think, is why it consumes so many for so long. While for some it’s as simple as taking a pill, for many its years of focused healing, and it can be exhausting, but I know it can work.  I know the appointments, and the diet changes, and the lifestyle adjustments are all worth it.

While it’s been a long road for Kory (15 years of depression) we’ve had a lot of breakthroughs in the last few years. Kory was diagnosed with MTHFR (you can look it up and read all about it), and discovered he has low testosterone as well. We’ve worked to remedy both of those problems, but it still takes work beyond that. I know that the answers are out there and that, eventually, you meet the person who can help you. Most recently, we met with a psychiatrist who told Kory he thinks OCD is at the root of his depression. “I think you’re all O and no C” he told him, “which is why it would have gone undiagnosed for so long, you don’t have the normal red flags.” We’ve approached it from a hundred angles, and with countless doctors and it feels like we’re finally getting some traction, but it requires so much hope, which isn’t something many depressed people have in abundance, so I’ve really felt the need to carry the hope in our marriage.

That being said, there’s still a lot of fear. Because even though I can feel it, I can feel that we’ll make it, I know there are times Kory doesn’t feel the same. I know there are times when he feels like he has his back to the corner and there are no ways out. The most poignant example I’ve heard to describe depression and suicide was one Kory shared with me - he said depression feels like being in a burning building, and of course you don’t want to jump, but it feels like the options are to jump or be consumed - so people jump. I think anyone’s worst fear is losing their loved ones, and it’s heart wrenching to be in a position where that doesn’t feel far out of reach. I can hardly think about it without sobbing. When I see women who have lost their husbands my breath catches in my chest, because I know that could easily be me, but I can only have faith that it won’t be. The whole experience has been remarkable because I’ve learned that none of us are in control, really. We’re not in charge, but if we spend our lives trying to be, we’ll only be met with misery. You reach a point where you have to surrender to the fact that you’re not in charge, and realize that you can still have joy even if you don’t have control.

Recently I was looking back on our last 6 years of marriage, and it occurred to me that while I still have a lot of hope that Kory will be able to overcome his depression, I wouldn’t take it away from the last 6 years. Kory’s depression has taught me to love more deeply and unconditionally, to see people as they are and accept them as is. It’s taught me to enjoy every good day, even in it’s simplicity. It’s taught me to handle others gently, because I never know the darkness they may be battling. It’s taught me to think before I speak, think before I act, because each of us, really, is more fragile than we realize. I’ve learned to accept my life and my trials and be grateful for them because they teach me in ways I couldn’t otherwise learn. I’m grateful for Kory’s depression because my children have seen, first hand, how to support others through trials, how to be a steady hand and soft shoulder. They’ve seen selflessness as Kory chooses us each and every day, as he chooses to be present with them even as he battles. I’m grateful because I have a marriage I feel so incredibly proud of. A marriage that's a safety net for me, a marriage that is full of true laughter and joy and light, because we’ve also seen tears and hardship. We’ll continue to battle and to grow, and I know in my heart we’ll come out on top. I know because I’ve prayed and prayed and felt that steady hand reassuring me we’ll make it. I know because we’re tough, because we’re determined, because our best days are truly ahead.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Shaleese

Shaleese and I were in the Athletic Training program together at Weber State University. She is smart, driven, funny, beautiful, and has a good head on her shoulders. She was nice to help me when I needed it and a good friend to talk to. I admire her so much. When you're around her you can just sense this strength she has, it's hard to explain but it's tangible, and I think it must be from going through this experience. 

Shaleese Marie White is 24 years old (25 next month). She is a certified/licensed athletic trainer. She currently works for Real Salt Lake and she is finishing her master's degree in health science with an emphasis in athletic training and a minor in sports psychology. She enjoys playing soccer, playing the violin, listening to all types of music, running, anything else outdoors and spending time with the cutest 3-year-old you'll ever meet! She's super outgoing and loves to meet new people. In her free time you will find her... well actually she never has free time so who knows.

Spending Thursday nights studying is never fun, especially as a 15-year-old. It was about 10:00 PM when my dad came in my room as I was banging my head against my biology book. Beginning to laugh, he made me a deal in hopes to motivate me. He told me If I studied for ten more minutes, he would take me to lunch after my test tomorrow. Who doesn’t love leaving school early and getting free food with your best friend?! I went to bed that night anxiously awaiting the exam in which I thought would be the most significant test of my life. Little did I know the Lord had a different test in mind.

Friday morning approached and after I submitted my test I rushed to my seat to text my dad that I was finished. Seconds later a voice echoed over the intercom and said, "Can we have Shaleese White down to the office to check out." I eagerly gathered my things and rushed down the stairs. I was halfway down the last set of stairs and surprisingly saw my aunt standing in the hall instead. I had a strange comforting feeling, almost peaceful and at the same time I instantly knew something was wrong. Her first sentence to me was, "Shaleese we need to go to the hospital, it’s your dad, we need to hurry." I began frantically asking questions and she wouldn’t answer. All she would say is, "we just need to get to the hospital."  It was as if everything turned into slow motion. The car ride, any words said to me, my thoughts, flashbacks of last night, walking into the hospital, seeing my mom sobbing, everything was slow motion. My mom walked over to me and the words “he’s gone” raced through my head. I felt numb. I kept repeating over and over "it’s not true, it’s a bad dream." I went home that day with every emotion, however, anger was the leading one. How could God do this to me, to my family? How could God take my best friend? I do everything I am supposed to. I read, pray, pay tithing, do service, etc. Why am I being punished? This anger developed into hatred. I wanted nothing to do with the church I had just joined almost 5 years prior. Being a convert I thought I had developed a strong testimony, I thought I had faith to overcome mountains. At this moment I felt the Lord turned on me and I felt helpless, and even worse, furious.

Monday morning finally arrived, and I went back to school. I wanted to get away from the sadness that lingered my home. I had seminary second period. I went but left halfway through. I slowly stopped going to church, youth activities, seminary, reading scriptures, and anything related to the gospel. Everyone justified my actions at first. “She just lost her dad, it’s understandable” or “give her a break she is tired of people asking how she is” and my personal favorite “she’s going through a phase, she’ll grow out of it.”  I stopped caring about everything. I went from being a 4.0 student to barely passing. This digression went on through my junior year. I started hanging out with different friends who chose to drink, party, and not care about consequences. I stopped caring about life and my future. I used my seminary period to get a Jamba Juice or lunch, church on Sunday became a 3-hour nap time, attending school was merely a social thing, and I was not on track to graduate, I just didn’t care anymore. I was infested with anger.

Almost the end of my junior year I had a friend bribe me to go to seminary. She said if I went with her she would buy me an aloha pineapple Jamba Juice… my biggest weakness. After 30 minutes of trying to convince me, I caved. That day changed my life.  The lesson was on trials and enduring to the end. Majority of the class was spent reading 2 Nephi 31, but the two verses that hit me like a spiritual train was 2 Nephi 31: 19-20. 

“(19) And now beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this straight and narrow path, I  would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ, with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save. (20) Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfast in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: ye shall have eternal life.”

This started the uphill battle to turning my life back around. I cried the entire day after that. I prayed for the first time in almost 2 years that day. I reflected on that dreadful day when I lost my best friend. I always angrily questioned where the Lord was during the worst day of my life. How could He just sit and watch my world fall apart? After reflecting I realized that He was there the whole time. I thought about how I came down the stairs and saw my aunt, the strange, comforting feeling I instantly felt. The Lord was trying to help me through it before I even knew what was to come. He never left my side. He patiently waited as I spent two years being unhappy, angry, and blaming Him for all the things that went wrong that day and the next two years. I am by no means perfect now. I still make mistakes, I fall asleep reading scriptures, I miss church sometimes, and I forget to pray and many other errors. That is the most significant thing of this gospel, is knowing no matter where you are in life the Lord loves you and will forgive you. He does not put us through trials to merely watch us struggle, or hope we figure it out on our own. We have trials regardless of what we believe in, however, what we believe in can make the trials bearable and conquerable.

Losing a loved one is never easy, no one is ever fully prepared, and no one deserves it. Death is something we will have to deal with in one way or another, but it is a helpless life event. So, when it happens, be mad, be angry, be sad, cry, scream, ask questions, yell, BUT remember to grasp the Lord with everything you have. I know that the Lord loves us and I know this gospel is true. I know that I can return to him and be with my family forever someday. I know that I can do all things through Christ.

Here I am almost nine years later (next week), and I can say it doesn’t get easier, you simply get stronger. I still miss my dad, I still cry sometimes, I still wonder what it would be like if he was still here. However, I don’t have anger towards God anymore, I don’t block out the loving arms of a savior who lives me. I am about to graduate with my master’s degree, working for Real Salt Lake as a certified/ licensed athletic trainer, teaching sunbeams, 24 and still falling asleep at night reading scriptures, and being so grateful for what I’ve experienced and the helping hand I had through it all. Life will hand you situations where you want to throw in the towel and give up; you might even do just that. It’s never too late to turn around. The Lord’s hand is always extended, and in reach, you just have to look up and grab it.