When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Chelsea

Chelsea and I went to high school together, and were in the same Homecoming group one year but that was about the only interaction we had. I am grateful I have gotten to "know" her a little more through social media. She recently posted about her daughter's baby blessing and how the decision to have her blessed was not an easy one. So, surprise, I asked her if she would write about it and I'm grateful she did because her story has its own stigma that needs to be ended.
Chelsea is a full-time videographer, wife, and mother to a 4-month-old baby girl. Both she and her husband quit their full time jobs to start businesses the same month they got married. Goodbye insurance and company benefits. Their most recent project is fixing up an old motor home so they can travel the country (if they can ever finish it, that is). While Chelsea would love to currently be running around the world chasing interesting stories to be filmed, she’s currently working on figuring out motherhood and loving on Ellie every hour of the day.

Last week, I found myself sitting in the back of a room of a stranger’s house listening, tears in my eyes, feeling so confused and hurt. This room had grandparents, husbands, wives, bishops, young women presidents, neighbors, all of whom were there to find relief. This house is home to a monthly support group for “faith challenged” individuals who are still trying to stay connected to, and positively participate in the LDS faith. Whether it’s policies, church doctrine, personal offense, historical problems (or all of the above)… something brought all of these people in a small town home on a Friday night in south SLC to talk, to listen, to find hope. Never in a million years would I have put myself in this home. Never would I have imagined marrying someone who doesn’t identify with the truth claims of the LDS faith.  Never would I have imagined that I would be in a dual-faith marriage… and happy.

So rewind a few years. Nick and I met in a BYU ward my senior year of college (Nick had been graduated several years at that point). He was the life of the party. My first impression of him was walking into a motor home that he co-owned with a few buddies, surrounded by 30+ other students listening to him belt Celine Dion at the top of his lungs as we drove to a neighborhood pool party. And that was just a glimpse. From owning five go-karts to creating one of the biggest ongoing Provo Halloween parties to date (Harry Potter Halloween)… he was a Provo legend. Honestly, he would be SO embarrassed that I am describing him this way, but there’s no other way to put it. He was something else.

It was love at first sight, followed by a trail of anxiety and hesitation (on my part).  We dated for two-and-a-half years before marrying. There were good times. Hard times. And LOTS of indecision. One thing is for certain, we communicated about EVERYTHING. My mom, a therapist, coached me about things to discuss prior to marriage: lifestyle, sexuality, education, religion, childhood, hobbies, love language, goals, etc. I only say this to point out that I assumed there wouldn’t be any monumental surprises following marriage… but boy was I wrong.

We were married in the Bountiful Temple July 18th, 2014 and living the “Mormon dream” if you will. It was only about three to four months into marriage when Nick approached me and said he had some questions he put on his “spiritual shelf” that he’d like to try to find answers to. Of course, I supported him. I’m a believer in seeking truth. Fast forward a few months later, and everything started unraveling, FAST. With an attempt to find answers came more questions. It was all consuming. We were knee deep into podcasts, meeting with BYU professors, church history books and publications. Long story short, we were in wayyy over our heads.

I was serving as Young Women’s President at the time and it was very difficult. I would go to church trying my hardest to help these young girls find a testimony of Jesus Christ and enjoy their experience at church all the while coming home to pick up the pieces of what was left of my husband’s testimony. I was devastated, exhausted, and very discouraged.

However, Nick was 100% transparent and open with me the whole time. We walked through this together (I know not everyone has that same experience). Though we have different needs and beliefs, it was beneficial for me to be so close to him at this time that was rather divisive in nature. Don’t get me wrong, it was DEFINITELY a challenge, and there were times for both of us where we didn’t know if we were going to make it through this alive. But no matter what we strove to be open, communicative, and to understand where the other was coming from.

One misconception I had before this experience was thinking people who left the church were lazy, sinful, or simply not committed. None of those describe Nick. As much as this was devastating to me, it was heartbreaking for him. We’re talking about a man who had dedicated his ENTIRE 31 years of life to learning and preaching the church. We have family home videos of him, just three years of age, giving the first discussion (name tag and all). Nick was the kid who would skip out on high school classes so he could attend seminary lessons from more than one seminary teacher. A boy who heard a John Bytheway talk to not kiss a girl prior to serving a mission and FOLLOWING that counsel. I still can’t believe it. His first kiss was AFTER his mission because he wanted so badly to be the best missionary he could possibly be and to leave any distractions aside. He was an amazing missionary…. the stories I could tell. Throughout my husband’s faith transition, I’ve been told by several people that Nick simply wasn’t dedicated enough… and that’s a lie. He could not have been more orthodox/TBM/100%committed/whatever term you’d like to use. Again, I’m not saying any of this to talk Nick up. I’m saying this to show just how much he lost and mourned through this faith transition. How much I have mourned this new reality we both are living. Neither of us anticipated our current reality.

I didn’t tell a soul for almost a year before I turned to my family because I needed the support. It’s been a lonely journey. After about two years, I decided it was time to talk about it. The only complication was in order to talk about my struggles, I’d have to “out” Nick. He was reluctant. He didn’t want people to act differently around him or treat him like a project. I was scared. I was worried what people would think, and I didn’t want to throw him under the bus. I was also scared that somehow vocalizing it, that our situation would be permanent. That this nightmare of a reality was all a dream and I would wake up soon to the life I thought I’d live. But that’s no way to live. Secrecy only breeds fear and shame.

Once I accepted it was not just his story, but ours to share, it became easier to be more transparent. In being open about this, we discovered that some of our long-time friends were in a very similar situation too, we found the support group that I mentioned above, I joined a few FB forums, listened to podcasts, and tried to learn from other women (and men) in my situation. As with any trial, people in a similar boat came out of the woodwork. It’s like getting a new pair of eyes. I started noticing people sitting in the church pews who I never thought twice about, struggling. It was a weird feeling when we became the “project” if you will and full-well knowing what others might be saying about Nick, about us.

We’re three years into navigating this faith journey. Though, I’m fine thinking and believing differently than my husband, once Ellie (our little girl) came along on June 1st of this year, we knew we’d have to compromise on a lot of things. Her baby blessing was the first of many church landmarks. We had countless conversations about what to do. We met with our bishop many times regarding who should give the blessing and where. We came to the conclusion to ask my dad and to have it at our house. What was initially a highly anticipated, but reluctantly approached event, turned out to be a very beautiful afternoon.

There’s so much I could say about feelings of disownment, judgment and shame that have accompanied this journey. Some people have been understanding and others terribly cruel. I could dwell on the fact that I will most likely not be entering the temple with my husband any time soon. Or that Ellie will most likely be taught at some point that her dad is sinful, lazy, or unworthy. It’s safe to say, our marriage, and small family will be met with new challenges at each new stage of life. I won’t pretend for one second that we have it all together, because we don’t.

However, for those reading this who may relate on some level, I will say I’ve found peace. My husband and I are incredibly happy. I have found being open and transparent has brought so much support and love. I’ve met so many women and men in my shoes. We all live different realities because not everyone’s spouses are as understanding, willing to communicate, or even compromise. I love that Ally is providing a platform for women to talk and find camaraderie in hard life experiences. These experiences don’t define us but help give empathy, understanding, and knowledge. I won’t pretend to know how someone’s faith journey will go, or to provide any answers. But I will provide a listening ear, all judgment aside. Whether we acknowledge it or not, this camp that Nick and I find ourselves in is growing. I see it. I hope that we can come together and find strength in numbers. I hope we can wrap our arms around each other, physically and figuratively. Just know you’re not alone. Wherever you may be on your spiritual journey, I hope you know there are people who love and support you. I support you.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Andrea

Andrea was my boss at Weber State. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met. She has a gentle heart and is extremely understanding. I am so grateful she said yes to writing a post for me. She definitely has a strength and wisdom that will touch your heart and that I hope to have one day.
Andrea Lauritzen was raised in a small country town in southeastern Idaho. She has lived on both coasts, and in numerous areas of Utah. She has been a Licensed Massage Therapist and Therapeutic Bodyworker since 1995. She holds a BS in English Literature with a Child Development minor, and a BS in Family Studies, both from Weber State University. She is currently a graduate student at USU in the Master of Social Work program. She married at the age of 26 and, after a brief marriage and several miscarriages, divorced one and a half years later. She has been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all her life. She has spent most of her life as single. She has attended young adult, mid-singles, and family wards. Her faith and reliance on the Gospel have kept her safe and strong during the darkest times of her life. She is over 50, and currently co-teaches a primary class. She has 21 nieces/nephews, and 12 great nieces/nephews (plus 2 on the way).  She is the “cool aunt” in her family and remembers, with a card, everyone’s birthdays. Andrea plans to start a private practice once she’s a Licensed Clinical Social Worker – focusing on children, trauma recovery and resiliency, and single-adult relationship enhancement. She is a published author, and presenter.

The SINGLE Purpose

Being single can be challenging, especially in a culture where families reign and marriage is the expected goal. How does one address this challenge and still maintain a testimony of the Gospel and continue to see themselves as valuable, loveable, worthy, wanted, and so forth?

For me, this struggle lasted many years. Add to that a brief abusive marriage and divorce. Sadly, the stigma of singlehood, especially of being divorced, makes many within the church uncomfortable. A few home teachers even refused to visit because of my status. Nonetheless, I’ve appreciated a multitude of exceptional home teachers throughout my single experience. I often felt I did not fit in the Gospel because I had not met the “required” marital and family expectations. This is the ideal. Yet, God has never indicated that one is accepted or loved less who has not yet obtained the ideal.

As I grew older, I found it more difficult to find my place. I didn’t fit in the singles crowd, or the family group, or the young marrieds. Where did I fit? The truth is, I fit exactly where God wanted me to be. I fit everywhere because I am human; and as a human I can connect with others on a level beyond one’s status. We are all unique, with our own set of core beliefs, standards of living, values, ideals, goals, adversities, challenges, hopes, and tragedies. These are part of life. They come with the body. As we come and embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and live its teachings fully, God can use us for good wherever we are, and in whatever life stage we find ourselves.

God has a plan for each of us; and sometimes that plan includes being single for a time. When I began attending the mid-singles ward, I received a priesthood blessing. In this blessing, I was told that I had “been given this singleness for a purpose.” What?! I’d been given this? It has a purpose? For many years I did not understand this concept. Some years later, however, God gave me insight into what this purpose was. I had spent those years in jobs that allowed me to serve and guide others in various capacities. I’d gained further education, fulfilled church callings, made close and lasting friendships, worked on healing and improving myself, and had continued to live my life to the best of my ability.

One day, as I was talking with a co-worker, I had the strong impression that I had “chosen” the life I lived. Yes, before I came to earth I made a choice to give up having 3 or 4 kids of my own because I could help more of Heavenly Father’s children doing exactly what I was doing now.  I wouldn’t or couldn’t have done these things if I was married with children of my own. I finally understood the purpose of my singleness. God sees all things from beginning to end. His plan is about more than simply our earthly accomplishments, our own needs to “keep up with the Joneses” or do what everyone else is doing along the same timeline. God has a unique and perfect timeline for each of us that places us in the lives of those we can learn from, bless, associate with, teach, heal, comfort, and lift. We are all in this together. He wants all His children to return home to him. We can’t manage this life alone. We need one another in numerous ways, at difficult times, and in everything we do. So, sometimes that means we need to wait a little while longer than we’d like to for the blessings we desire. It’s not forever (even if at times if feels that way). It’s just a short delay; and in the process many others have the opportunity, through our service and sacrifice, to also receive those blessings. What has someone postponed, or given up for now, so that you can be blessed?

What blessings have you thrown away through your anger, resentment, doubt, hurt, or withdrawal from Gospel living and church participation because life has not gone as you expected? Whose life is not being blessed because you’re not where you’re supposed to be? Never give up the most precious blessings that come with the Gospel of Jesus Christ because of some perceived (or real) offense from another; or from God’s perceived lack of blessings in your lives. There is more to our life experience than that, so much more.

For me, the idea that I had chosen my course seemed to make all the difference in my attitude regarding my circumstances. There was nothing wrong with me. I wasn’t broken, unworthy, unwanted, damaged, or undesirable. I was being saved for a greater purpose, and for more marvelous blessings than I could imagine at that moment. WOW!! I was valuable?! God had a special plan for me as a single, middle-aged, divorced, and childless woman?! I had a grand purpose, and a marvelous life ahead of me.

Life was often still hard. I faced continuous challenges including physical and mental health issues, work stresses, financial struggles, and all the other mortal experiences we must go through as human beings in a fallen world. I still desired greatly, to the point of physical aches in my soul, to be a wife and a mother. Yet, I trusted in God and in His plan for me; and I remained steadfast in my testimony of God’s love for me, in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and in His Gospel. I remained worthy to partake of the blessings of the temple, which strengthened me against hard time. I learned not to beat myself up each time I made a mistake. God knew we’d make mistakes. He built that into the Plan of Salvation. That’s why He provided a Savior – to pay for our sins and sufferings (those we bring upon ourselves, and those brought upon us through the poor choices of others).  This, God continued to prepare me for a greater purpose which I could not even fathom at that time.

A couple of years after this epiphany, I decided it was time to let go of all the items in, what I had called for years, my hopeless shed. I’d been collecting items for a marriage and children for 30 years. That year I provided Christmas to roughly 22 children. These items weren’t serving any purpose packed in plastic containers. Some were even becoming obsolete. That year, I received a multitude of confirmations regarding how God sees the whole picture; and plans far in advance for His purposes to be manifest. I learned that God can turn all our sorrows into joy, if we let him. My hopeless shed because a joyful HopeFULL shed that witnessed to God’s love for ALL His children.

At this point in my life, as a 50+ year old single woman, I will never give birth to a child. There is a part of me that still aches for the loss of that opportunity and all that goes with it. However, I know that through following God’s plan, I can “mother” many children, bless many mothers, and touch many lives for good through God’s grace and insight. I am grateful for my life, for those things I’ve given up for now and for those blessings I’ve received instead.

There are still times when I am impatient in my wanting; and where I struggle to understand the meanings of certain situations. I’m human. I’m normal. I’m a work in progress, just as all of us are. Know that God has a marvelous plan for each of us. Our life, just as it is now, has a purpose. If you are not sure what your purpose is . . . ASK, and keep asking and watch the answers unfold into a beautiful tapestry of your life. God does not give us full-disclosure all at once. It likely would not make sense, or may be overwhelming. He gives us line upon line, as we are ready, and as the space is prepared for these things to occur. Be patient. God’s timing IS perfect; even if life seems unsure, chaotic, or hopeless at the moment. This too shall pass.

Don’t lose hope, at least not forever. Stay true to your covenants, as this is what will carry you through the doubts, fears, trials, heartaches, and challenges of life as you become all that God knows you have the potential to be. It’s a process; a long, and often painful journey toward Godhood. You can do it, yet, not alone. We all need God, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and others along the way. Look back on your life – your singlehood – and make a list of all the blessings you’ve received that would not have come under different circumstances. These may include a friend, a skill, knowledge, testimony; opportunities in relationships, education or career; learning, service, insight, and so forth. These are the compensating blessings for your adversities and sacrifices. Now think carefully about the blessings you have provided to others during this time? I’m sure these are numerous. Make another list so you can recognize God’s hand in your life and in the lives of others.

Being single is a blessing. Those who are single provide a unique perspective on Gospel living. We offer help to the lonely, discouraged, overwhelmed, distraught, aged, and the young. We can serve in capacities and places where others may not be able to. We can strengthen people at work, at church, in our fellowships and friendships; and be an example to struggling youth. We can take on the role of “cool aunt or uncle,” supportive sibling, caregiver to ailing parents, and more simply because we are single. Our marital status does not define us. It is not who we are. It does not mean God has forgotten us, or that there is something inherently wrong with us. It is simply the place where we are at this time, to learn what we need to learn or do what we need to do, to prepare us to go home to God.

Nevertheless, if you have experienced trauma, suffer from physical or mental health issues, struggle with social challenges, or experience other areas of conflict that inhibit your ability to connect with others and live life fully . . . seek help! There are many resources available to heal your wounds. Feel safe in accessing these resources from church leaders and by seeking guidance from God and listening to the Holy Spirit. If you have made choices that have led you away from full-fellowship in the Gospel it is not too late to come back.  God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, stand waiting with open arms and loving and forgiving hearts. The Savior understands, maybe better than we do, why we have strayed or made certain choices. He has already paid for our sins, our heartaches, and our pains.  Come to Him and let Him heal you.

Sometimes healing happens quickly. Yet, more often, it is a process. Our bodies are mortal and there is a manner of healing physically and mentally that may need time, energy, and focused attention.  Hang in there. Healing is also done line upon line, and layer upon layer, until we are made whole through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This process can sometimes be painful and challenging, like the hurt that put it there.  Don’t despair! Work through the pain. It’s worth it when you get to the other side.  For there, it is easier to connect with God, and others. Sometimes our pain prevents us from clearly seeing the path we’re on, and the better plan God has prepared for us.

Don’t regret or waste your singleness. Discover what purpose it holds in your life, and in the lives of others. Keep asking. Keep taking steps into the darkness until you can see a glimmer of the glorious light ahead. Being single is not the end of the world. It’s just a step along the journey. Enjoy this step. Learn all you can from it. Serve with love, and live in gratitude. Gratitude, not simply being grateful, changes one’s perspective on life. We can see things from God’s perspective easier when we live in an attitude of gratitude. This time in our life, being single, has a meaningful purpose to God.  Whether you chose this, or it has been thrust upon you, God can bring joy and fulfillment out of the heartache of loneliness, waiting, and searching.

As I look back on my life, I can clearly see how each step along the way (especially the hard ones) have prepared me to fulfill my potential. I am currently in graduated school becoming a social worker. I recognize that all the challenging experiences of my life will serve me in having more understanding and compassion for a variety of individual circumstances. I can continue to bless for good the lives of more of God’s children. Being single was not a waste. It was not a product of my incapacity to find a husband. It was not because of some wrong I committed, or some damage that made me unwanted. It was the crucible I needed to forge to become the person God wanted me to be. It was the Gethsemane that provided me with empathy for others’ pain and suffering so I could more effectively succor them, as the Savior succors me. I am grateful for my singleness, for all I’ve learned and gained and suffered. I am grateful for those eternal friends who bless my life, which I would not have met any other way. I recognize now that the greatest gift of my adversity was me. God used my adversities to shape me, to lift and guide me, and to fashion me into the divine woman of God He knew I was. I am still a work in progress. I still struggle regularly. Yet I know to whom I can turn for strength, and where to put my trust, and who has the answers when I question. It is this relationship with my God, and my Savior, which keeps me safe and guides me through my darkest hours into their glorious light and hope and future.

If you feel far from deity, or from yourself, kneel and cry unto God for support. He is close, only waiting for us to seek Him out. He will not force Himself into our lives, as some people may. He wants to be invited . . . welcomed. Welcome Him in, and be “encircled eternally in the arms of His love” (Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 1:15).

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Kennedy

My sister-in-law sent me Kennedy's story. I got in touch with her and she was willing to let me share. She was in a tragic car accident and then came home from her mission after a few weeks. I am so amazed by her bravery and strength. I know she will bless lives because she went through these experiences. The following is from a blog post she wrote. 

Beautiful Heartbreaks 

August 10, 2017

John 16:33 “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

How amazing is that to think about? That it doesn’t matter what things are thrown in our way or what hardships we’re asked face, because of our Savior, Jesus Christ. That His atoning sacrifice really does overcome all things and because of that, we have nothing to fear. This scripture has been extremely close to my heart the past few months as I’ve experienced a few things that have tried and tested me. Life is hard and unfair and can beat you down, but as funny as it sounds, when these times come around, I feel like we not only feel the lowest lows, but we also have the ability to feel of the highest highs.

Back at the beginning of February on a super rainy night, three friends and I were leaving to go from our university to Vegas for a weekend trip. I decided to drive because none of my friends had access to a car. Before we even made it out of town, we were driving down a narrow, unlit street and we ended up getting into an auto-pedestrian accident. This old man, wearing a dark raincoat with the hood up, arms full of groceries was crossing the street without a crosswalk just as we happened to be driving on it. I remember so vividly the impact and seeing the body of the man I had just hit roll into the street, not even sure at the moment what had just happened. I remember pulling my glass filled car to the side of the road and running out in the pouring rain to kneel by the man’s side screaming at him the words “please wake up” and “please be ok” over and over again. It was one of those things that you only expect to see in movies- to say the least, we were all scared and in a lot of shock.

During this time, we had many cars and people stop to make sure we were ok, including two people I like to now consider my earthly angels. While we were sitting in my car, soaked from the rain and waiting to get my information back from a policeman, a sweet lady walked over to us to make sure we were alright, and even though we assured her we were fine, a few minutes later she came back to our car and told us she wasn’t going to leave us and welcomed us into her and her husband’s truck. Them taking us in that night was such a tender mercy and we were all convinced that Heavenly Father had placed them in our path that night on purpose. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when the lady, who we now all consider a close friend, explained her experience that night. The words she used are waayyy better than I could ever try come up with, so I want to share what she said:

“We were headed down Center Street to go to dinner at Café Sabor. But then I told Jason to turn on first east to go to Le Nonne, which normally I would never say because we weren’t dressed up and didn’t have reservations. When we got there it looked super busy so we just kept on driving along first east and that’s how we happened upon the accident. We both felt strongly that we should stop even though it appeared that several others had stopped. After getting out and helping and seeing things were under control, I got back in the truck. That’s when I had the spirit tell me, ‘Don’t leave those girls!’ That’s when I came to your car and asked you to come to the truck with me.”

She continued explaining to us that she knows that they were led to us that night, and I have no doubt that she is right. Right after the accident had happened, my friends and I said a prayer asking not only for the man to be fine, but also to have comfort in the situation and I believe this couple was an answer to our prayer. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father was looking over us that night and was fully aware of everything going on.

Later that night back at our apartment after receiving priesthood blessings, the detective showed up and let us know that even though there was nothing we could have done to prevent the accident because of the circumstances, that the man I hit had passed away in the ambulance on his way to the hospital. Of course, I felt shaken up and extremely heartbroken, but weirdly enough for the situation, I also felt calm and at peace. Once again, I felt that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was surrounding me with people to bear me up.

I remember the next day sitting alone in my room and I just started crying. I wasn’t crying because I was angry about what happened, or sad, or frustrated, but I was crying because I felt so overwhelmed with love.  At that moment sitting in my room, I literally felt the arms of my Savior wrapped around me. I felt like so many worldly things were being thrown at me, yet I couldn’t feel any of them.  It was when I felt lost in the world, that I was able to find myself in Christ. I’ve come to realize the importance and power of having a foundation of faith in the Savior. He was my continuous rock and anchor- because of my faith in Him, I couldn’t sink. Sometimes it’s hard for us to find the beauty in heartbreak when we’re experiencing hard things. We feel like everything’s going wrong and that we’re so alone. Sometimes we feel helplessness because we’re so caught up in everything happening that we aren’t able to see the Lord’s hand in the process. In my situation, it took me hitting a low and allow myself to see Him, and when I did, He was everywhere. I don’t even think I could ever count all of the tender mercies I recognized and received because of my faith in Him. The next few weeks I honestly did better than I ever imagined I could. I moved on with school, work, etc. and I was able to find happiness, but I know that none of that was because of me. Obviously, it was still hard, but Christ was without a doubt lifting me up. Without Him, I wouldn’t have had the strength to endure. Through this experience, the Atonement of Christ became so real to me. He was mending my broken heart and carrying me when I couldn’t walk.

So, fast forward to the beginning of this June when I entered the MTC to serve in the Ecuador Guayaquil West mission. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to anything more in my life. I had the strongest desire to serve and I was sooo pumped to finally get out and become a missionary. The first few days were amazing and my optimism and excitement was at a high. It wasn’t until about 4 days in when I started getting strong promptings that I wasn’t supposed to be there. But, for those of you that know me, I’m a pretty stubborn girl, and I was dead set on serving a mission. Because of this, I kept putting off the promptings and every day it got worse and worse, eventually leading me to have extreme anxiety to the point where I couldn’t sit still or focus at all. I was so frustrated. I knew that I was doing one of the best things I could be doing. I knew that Heavenly Father had told me I needed to serve a mission. I knew that I wanted to serve a mission more than anything. But, regardless of all that, everything kept showing me I needed to go home.

Eventually I started feeling worse and worse and then the anxiety I had from the crash started to kick back in. After talking to my Branch President, we decided I needed to visit the counselor. Each visit the counselor offered me the option of calling home to talk to my family and each time I declined it. Any time he brought up the idea of me maybe returning home with an honorary medical release to get help with my anxiety, I’d quickly shut it down. I didn’t want to give in and I kept fighting the urges to return home.

I had shared all of this with my companion (who by the way is the most amazing person EVER) and one day we were planning a lesson for our investigator and she pulled out a Mormon Message for us to share called “The Will of God”. If you haven’t seen it, I’d definitely recommend it, it’s SO GOOD. Anyway, after watching that video I knew that I needed to do what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. So, finally, I knelt down to pray and I told him that I was willing to accept whatever he had planned for me. I told him that it didn’t matter to me what other people would think about me if I returned home, but it did matter to me that He wouldn’t be disappointed in me for not serving a full mission or that He didn’t feel like I was giving up on him. During a visit to the temple on the next P-day, my prayer was answered and I knew Heavenly Father needed me to be elsewhere. Everything happened so fast and by the next afternoon I was on my way back to Kaysville with my family.

Coming home was extremely hard, so much harder than I ever imagined. I know. Weird. You’d think that since I was only gone for a few weeks that it wouldn’t be THAT hard, but it was. I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything and even though I knew I made the right decision, I still felt guilty for being home.  My mission was all I could think about and I had reoccurring dreams every night about it for the first few weeks, each time waking up feeling so depressed. One morning I was on a walk with my mom and I told her about how I was feeling and she just started crying out of nowhere and said, “I wasn’t going to tell you this but now I feel like I should”. I guess to understand this part of the story I need to explain that sometimes before big things in life happen, my mom has premonitions of them, such as before my grandpa passed away or before she was diagnosed with cancer. Anyway, she continued to tell me that the week before I left she kept having thoughts and visions of her and my dad reading the letters that they wrote to me and stuck in my suitcase before I left for the MTC at my funeral. They were letters that contained their testimonies and encouragements of how we can do hard things and that Christ is always with us and will help us when we are struggling. She told me that for the entire week leading up to me leaving, she cried and cried, but she didn’t want to tell me, because she knew how excited I was to go and felt that if I wasn’t supposed to go, I would be feeling something too; and she didn’t want to tell my dad, because he’s a dad and was already freaking out about his only girl leaving. So, she kept the feelings to herself and it wasn’t until 3 days before I was supposed to report that I got changed from the Colombia MTC to the Provo MTC and the bad feelings she was having suddenly went away. Things were great until I got into the MTC and started to have those same sick feelings of being there that my mom was having the week before. About two weeks in, I got called to the travel office and they gave me flight plans to switch back to the Colombia MTC the next week and in that moment those feelings I was having doubled and I knew I wasn’t supposed to go.

So now, here I am. It’s crazy because I knew that I was supposed to serve a mission and after only a couple of weeks, I knew Heavenly Father was telling me I needed to be home. There are so many things I don’t know about- I don’t know why my mom had those premonitions and I don’t know why I felt so strongly that I needed to be home. Maybe He told me that I needed to serve a mission just so He knew that I’d be willing to, or maybe I learned everything that He wanted me to learn in that short time I was gone. Maybe something is going to happen at home that I needed to be here for, or maybe something was going to happen on my mission that I needed to be protected from. I honestly have no idea. BUT, what I do know is that Heavenly Father has a plan for us all and I trust him. I do know that He was telling me I need to be home, and for whatever reason that is, I’m willing to follow and act on it. Of course, I’d love to go back out on my mission and I will if I receive an answer that that’s what He wants me to do, but for the time being, I know I’m supposed to be here. Being a missionary was the most amazing experience and I’m forever grateful for everything that I was able to be a part of. Being home is SO hard, especially with having my mind so set on serving my mission. But, through it all and accepting God’s will, I have grown immensely and have come to know my Savior and the power of His atonement in ways I wouldn’t have been able to without experiencing this.
Even with that knowledge and a strong testimony of Him, things can still be hard though, and I think that’s something that people don’t always understand. Our pains and sorrows aren’t just going to be taken away from us, rather, we’re going to be strengthened to bare them. I’m not going to lie, for the first little bit I was at home, I struggled pretty bad. I was discouraged and doubtful of the things I could accomplish. I felt that I was a failure and I constantly had the thought running through my mind that “if other people could do this, why couldn’t I?” Me getting to the point where I’m at now, where I’m happy and working towards my future, wasn’t something that happened over night. It was a slow and gradual process and it’s even still happening right now. But the point is, is that once I got to where I decided to actively exercise my faith and accept the will of the Lord, that’s when he bore me up and I was able to see his miracles continually in every aspect of my life.  Something that has really stood out to me since I’ve returned is the knowledge that Heavenly Father is so mindful of each of us and our situations and he wants more than anything to be able to help us. Through certain experiences I’ve had in the past little bit of being home, I know that Heavenly Father is telling me that He knows. He knows and is aware of my heartache. He knows my disappointment, He knows my intentions to serve, He knows the feelings I’ve been having, and most importantly He knows that His plan for me is far greater than the plan I saw for myself.

Both with the car crash and returning home from my mission early, I can testify that we are never alone. Christ suffered not only for our sins but for our pains and sorrows too, and because he knows how we feel, he knows how to succor us and lift us up. I love the quote by Harold B Lee:

“Don’t be afraid of the testing and trials of life. Sometimes when you are going through the most severe tests, you will be nearer to God than you have any idea”.

I know this is true. God gives us trials and hardships to grow, and when we endure them well and remain faithful to Him and his plan, we also grow closer to him. We experience the refiners fire for the sole purpose of coming to know the refiner, and I can testify that this WILL happen if we have faith in Him and what he’s capable of. Sometimes things don’t go the way we want or plan, but those are usually the times when he’s molding us into what he sees our potential to be.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of. Throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace” -C.S. Lewis

I wouldn’t change these two experiences I’ve had for the world. I don’t know why I was asked to go through these these trials, but I know that everything happens for a reason and I’m extremely optimistic to eventually find out why. They’ve taught me more than I could have ever hoped and I’ve come to know my Savior in a way that I never even imagined possible. I know that Christ is constantly by our side and that because of His Atonement we can be made whole in anything we’re asked to experience in life. Climbing mountains can be hard and painful, but the view from the top is worth it all. The beauty that we see from there is something we never would be able to recognize and piece together from the bottom. I know that there is not one person that can't make it to the top with the help of Christ. Turn to him, lean on him, walk with him.  “If the foundation of faith is not in our hearts, our power to endure will crumble”. Faith in our Savior, Jesus Christ is SO important and enables us to endure and push forward with hope and optimism.  He has helped me find joy in my journey, and I know He can do the same for anyone else. Even in the darkest times, his light shines so brightly that we can find true happiness. Christ truly does overcome the world.

When Righteous Desires Don't Go As Planned: Rosie

I have been following Q.Noor Temple Dresses on Instagram for a while and when I started this new series I remembered a post that Rosie wrote a few months prior, which she shares in the beginning of her story about dishes, and figured that even though she is a super busy business owner and do-gooder that I would ask her to write something for this blog. I am so grateful she said yes because I love what she has to say about being single.
Rosemary Card grew up in Utah and New York. At the age of 16 she left Salt Lake City to model internationally with Elite Model Management after being scouted on the set of High School Musical. Rosie worked in NYC, Milan, Singapore, and Tokyo before retiring from the industry shortly after she turned 18.
Since 2007, She has been speaking to youth groups and Relief Societies about her experiences as a high fashion model and the importance of education and service in the journey of self-acceptance. Rosie has made guest appearances on many podcasts and NPR.
She graduated from BYU with a degree in Broadcast Journalism and served a mission in the faraway magical land of Mesa, Arizona. After college, she worked for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints producing and shooting videos internationally. She worked on various projects including the “I’m a Mormon” campaign, The Bible Videos, My Plan, and Elder Nelson’s 90th Birthday.
She launched Q.NOOR, a line of LDS temple dresses designed to help women feel more at home in the House of the Lord late 2015. Q.NOOR has been featured in many publications including The Desert News, The Friend Magazine, The Daily Mail, The New York Times, and the Card family scrapbook.
She lives in Salt Lake City with her goldendoodle, Ted, and is a proud pioneer of the stay-at-home-YSA lifestyle. She loves watching dog videos on the internet, Arby’s, serving refugee families in her community, and is currently mastering “Oh Susanna” on the harmonica.

Eight years ago I was walking on BYU campus and listening to a talk by a sister leader…and I can’t remember her name so…sorry. She related a memory of when she purchased her first home and cried her eyes out while she unpacked her dishes. She was crushed because she felt like she was supposed to be buying that home with a husband. They were supposed to be unpacking those dishes together. And someone else was supposed to have bought those dang dishes off a wedding registry.

When I heard that, I had the distinct feeling that one day I would buy my own home ....and dishes. For a moment I felt disappointed that my life may not turn out like those lists I made in YW, but then I felt total peace. I promised myself then and there that when the day came that I buy my own home and dishes, I wouldn’t be crushed and I wouldn’t cry.

A couple of months ago, after years of saving, I bought my own home and dishes AND I cried. Not because I feel like something has gone wrong with “the plan,” but because I can’t believe how perfectly it has all come together.

My life as a stay-at-home YSA dog mom business owner is what God has chosen to help me become like Christ. It has its ups and downs. Freedom and bad dates. Excitement and disappointment. Today I feel truly grateful for it all.

I am not living my Plan B life. I am living the life God intended for me all along. Marriage is one of the many tools God uses to help us become like His Son, Jesus Christ. But it is not the only tool and it is not the tool He uses for everyone. Single members of the Church are not in a progression holding pattern. We are just progressing differently than married members.

Believe it or not, I am 28 years old, single as h*ck, and happy as can be. I have great friends who fill my love cup to the brim. I have a job that stretches me and pushes me in ways I could have never have imagined. My singleness allows me to serve in the Church and in my community in ways I couldn’t if I was married and it fills my heart with satisfaction. First dates, break ups and everything in between teach me about people, communication, trust, forgiveness, and so much more. I am becoming like Christ. Sure, I have hard days like anyone else, but there is not a gaping hole in my life. The only time I cry myself to sleep is when I watch YouTube montages of veterans returning to their dogs after deployment.

I worry that we set single members of the Church up for failure when we teach that marriage is the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to become like Christ. Regardless of what some people in my life may think, I don’t have control over when I get married. I do have control over how I feel about it. Are there lonely nights? Yes. But I’m willing to guess there are lonely night for married people, too. Can it be discouraging to watch my friends having and raising kids? Yes. But I’m guessing is can be discouraging for my stay-at-home mom friends to watch their single friends traveling and doing big things at work.

When we divide ourselves into different teams we immediately start playing the comparison game. In the comparison game there are no winners. Everyone walks away feeling sad and discouraged because that’s what happens when you’re ungrateful for the life you have been given. Wouldn’t it be nice it was could stop bickering over who has it harder/easier or who is happier/sadder? Wouldn’t it be better if we all started just seeing each other as brothers and sisters working to get home? I sure think so.